I am going to start filtering some of my more private musings. Since blogger does not have a tool for that, you will need to visit my Live Journal and ask to be friended there. I will continue to post Daily Gratitude and other subjects here. There is also a FAQ for my Journal at the same link.
| Sunday, February 24, 2002 @ 11:07 The other night the long-distance prospect made a comment about how I can be "almost sweet" sometimes. Or maybe it was "nice" or "kind." And sie had made a similiar comment a few weeks ago. Funny thing is that I had a few conversations at work recently that were similiar. Someone said something about me not being mean. Another was asking me just how mean my sense of humour could get. I think the one woman was surprised when I corrected her and said I have a very mean streak. The priest decided he liked me better since I could banter with him about picking on people and insulting them. Most people at work think I'm nice, helpful, considerate, maybe a bit testy sometimes (if they interrupt me in the middle of something and I don't drag my concentration back fast enough), but overall quiet and compliant. A few may have an idea that I have a wicked sense of humour. And there was the one incident where I told someone I was going to go "make" someone in another department fill out a form she hadn't turned in yet. My co-worker didn't think anyone could make X do anything, because X's personality is so strong and determined and fiesty. I told her to just wait. Fifteen minutes later I was back, form in hand, having stood over X while she typed the thing...and even got an almost apology out of her for not doing it on time. X is a strong personality, but I knew from the time I met her that it didn't take much to get her to back down. Just a little show of will and dominance. Doesn't matter that she's older than me and comes on so strong most people get out of her way. Usually I let her run on and on, but when I want, or need to make a point, I prevail. I consciously turn the dominance and the meanness off at work and with family. I generally tone it down with friends. One of the joys of finding this apartment is that Jeff appreciates the meanness, catty queen that he can be at times. In the BDSM community I usually keep it in check as well. I don't take control of meetings or act like I own a party (not even if I'm hosting it or a "leader" of the group). In chat rooms and on discussion lists, I'm the same. In public, I don't have the consent of those present to dominate and manipulate them. One-on-one or with scene friends, things are very different. The LD and the local prospects will both tell you I'm mean. As will most of the people listed in the People section of this website (well, the ones listed in the bdsm group). I can seem nice. I learned, the hard way in many cases, how to do it. I'm still learning how to control the natural energy and emotions that rise to the surface. It didn't help that I was a loner in high school and college and worked pretty much alone in an office for four years. I can submerge my dominance and greed and sense that the world revolves around me when I need to. When I don't, I don't. Which goes back to the one prospect thinking I'm "almost sweet." I'm not. I sometimes do things that appear to be out of concern or worry or gentleness. On occasion that's what they are: I do have gentleness and love and caring in me, as my friends and family can attest. However, most of the time it's selfish. I don't want a slave showing up at my house tired from three nights of too little sleep. I won't get full use of out them. I don't want to find out that someone was injured (or worse) in a car accident because she was speeding and talking on her cell phone again. That puts a very big damper on my ability to beat and torment her. If I'm polite in the wording of my orders it's more likely because I'm still training myself to be nice to all people than because I'm afraid of being rude or offending a slave--or maybe I'm intentionally trying to throw hym off balance in order to lay the groundwork for something that is coming later. As I told Caliann yesterday: just because something I do appears to be nice, doesn't mean that the motivation is. I *am* a mean sadistic evil greedy bitch. And possessive. And selfish. And my world *does* revolve around my needs, wants, and whims. If I'm being sweet to you, it's either because I adore you and truly want what's best for you or because I have something to gain by appearing to be sweet. And if you ask, maybe I'll tell you what those reasons are -- but only if it suits my mood.
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