I am going to start filtering some of my more private musings. Since blogger does not have a tool for that, you will need to visit my Live Journal and ask to be friended there. I will continue to post Daily Gratitude and other subjects here. There is also a FAQ for my Journal at the same link.
| Sunday, March 17, 2002 @ 11:09 I haven't written here since Wednesday. That seems like a week or more ago. The thought of emotional needs vs. wants is still strong in my mind. Probably because I found a slave, j, who has lived that and has no apologies for who she is. Perhaps all my skin shedding was/is just another layer of acceptability that I've outgrown. Four years ago I was just beginning to understand that even though "slave" wasn't an acceptable model to most in the bdsm world, maybe it was what I was looking for. And, maybe, just maybe, I was someone who liked inflicting pain on others, though only if they were masochists who got off on that pain. That was a year after I finally found the strength to admit that I was bisexual and let go of the layer that said "kinky stuff is bad". However, I was still only operating online. I was hoping that some of the people there would become real life friends and playmates, but I was still living in my head trying to figure out who I was -- and only as someone that others would find acceptable: a loving, caring, "submissive is really in control" dominant. Ughh. No wonder I didn't do anything real life for another eight months! If i had then, I would have hurt someone by pretending to be what I wasn't. I am a mean sadistic evil greedy bitch. Just ask Sue how mean I can be. Darby prefers to call me "evil" when I do similiar things to her. Linda and Inno love my sadistic side, though they haven't seen it in over a year. NM knows that I am greedy -- that I want multiple slaves and submissives in my life and she wonders if she will be able to deal with it when it happens (even though it's already happening, it's just not physical at the moment). As for the bitch, well, Tiger made a comment last night that I don't put up with things I don't like and am deadly honest about what I want. All the women who are following me around, either for an idle flirt, a scene or two, or the hope of being owned by me -- they all want the mean sadistic evil greedy bitch, not the sweet, loving, marshmallow domme. A very good thing, given that she never existed, other than as a persona I thought I could be. So I shed more of my acceptable layers and come closer to the core....the darkness that some sense, but few have heard how deep it may go and no one has truly seen it -- yet.
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