I am going to start filtering some of my more private musings. Since blogger does not have a tool for that, you will need to visit my Live Journal and ask to be friended there. I will continue to post Daily Gratitude and other subjects here. There is also a FAQ for my Journal at the same link.
| Thursday, March 21, 2002 @ 07:24 Last night I had Tiger spend over an hour of her time to deliver a book to me. It's a book I haven't made a priority to read, but when I found out she has it, I wanted to borrow it. There was a more than momentary internal struggle over the "appropriateness" of asking someone to go so far out of their way to simply drop off a book, sit for a few minutes of chat, and then drive that far home again. Too much of my good girl upbringing telling me you don't impose on friends. But Tiger isn't a friend, and she doesn't want to become my friend. She's confused about what she wants, but I know that much. Tiger is a submissive who's literally aching to give up control. She may even have it in her to be completely owned. Asking someone like that to provide a service is completely "appropriate" for a mean sadistic evil greedy bitch. Once I let go of the ghosts of my childhood, I accepted that service and I am already enjoying the book. On other fronts, NM is missing me. We haven't seen each other in over a week. Our contact online and on the phone is reduced as well. No doubt we're losing some of the ground we'd covered in the past two months. We may see each other this weekend, but it's iffy. Otherwise it will be Easter before we see each other -- nearly three weeks. You'd think we were long distance, not living 20 minutes apart. Family and work can be barriers. Still, phone sessions can be effective. They will just be much harder to accomplish next week than the last two. Lastly, j seems more and more certain that the only negative outcome of our meeting would be if I didn't find her worthy. She has already decided that I'm the only owner she could she in her future. I know the mind can convince itself of almost anything. I want to trust that this connection is real and that when we meet it will click exactly as we expect it to. I've just been there before. Long distance relationships suck. This one may be much less long distance and I may have two or three local submissives to keep me entertained and serviced in between, but it still hurts to invest in something as inimate as ownership and then have it end a few months later because the barriers are too great. I have a lot of fears and doubts about expectations and experience. I know I am meant to own someone. I can tell that j is craving to be owned again (it's been 4 years since her previous mistress died). I feel a compatibility of thoughts as well as philosophy and morals. The sooner it's tested in person, the sooner I can trust that it's real or determine that it's not and move forward accordingly.
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