I am going to start filtering some of my more private musings. Since blogger does not have a tool for that, you will need to visit my Live Journal and ask to be friended there. I will continue to post Daily Gratitude and other subjects here. There is also a FAQ for my Journal at the same link.
| Tuesday, March 05, 2002 @ 01:47 More discussing on IRC yesterday (Sunday). Some things finally clicked in my head about the boi from CO who has been patiently waiting for me to decide if I want to own her. I'll call her "j" from here forward. She comes from a different era of bdsm and yet managed to get sucked in by the cyber-wannabes for a few years. That's why I hesitated when she showed up in December saying she wanted me to own her. I sensed something real there, but her actions online made it seem that she wasn't looking for real, but for fantasy. In channel discussions about consistency, boundaries, and expectations, I realized that j is the closest thing to a slave I've ever encountered. Maybe that's what made me hesitate in the first place: she was an owned, used slave before I was a legal adult. j's views seem harsh, even to me. Some of my friends probably think she's crazy. Still, I have some fairly extreme ideas myself. Ownership isn't about love and it isn't about limits. j not only agrees with that, she has lived it and knows it is what she wants (not needs) to feel complete in her life. Do I agree 100% with her views? No. Especially not on some of her political and philosophical views of the world. Does that mean we're incompatible? No. The core seems to be the same. The question becomes whether there is a chemistry between us when we meet -- or if I find another submissive to be the chemisty in my life and leave j as the servant. Unlike much of the world, she is not searching for the love of her life or a wife or even a lover. She wants to be owned and to serve. I do wonder what I have to offer to someone with so much experience and such defined views. What makes me worthy to own someone who obviously has high standards in what she expects from an owner? I've asked her several times why she hangs around, how she knows I'm worth serving, how she would deal with my inexperience and insecurities. She would almost seem too good to be true if she weren't eager to meet in person and if I didn't have first-hand observations of some of her more flighty behaviors online. And whose ego isn't going to feel good knowing a lifetime smoker is quitting because she knows smoking offends me -- me who she has yet to meet and can't be sure will want her once we do meet. I can totally see myself a few years from now with two slaves and a few playmates. And I'm picturing specific women that are in my life now. Very different women at different stages of life and training. Whether that will happen, I can't predict. Nor will I spend much time dreaming about it. I have too much to do in getting to know these women and exploring my interests and learning new skills.
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