I am going to start filtering some of my more private musings. Since blogger does not have a tool for that, you will need to visit my Live Journal and ask to be friended there. I will continue to post Daily Gratitude and other subjects here. There is also a FAQ for my Journal at the same link.
| Monday, April 29, 2002 @ 20:06 here's the post I started Sunday night at 11pm and reworked and expanded tonight... At what point does caution become wasteful? I spent a lot of time trying to explain to Tiger a few weeks ago that you have to take a leap of faith in most areas of life. At some point you just decide to believe in yourself, your talents, your family and friends, your place in the world. Maybe you take a leap of faith regarding god or country or career. Most definitely you have to take a leap of faith to be in a relationship with another person. The leap of faith says you're trusting enough to take the risk. You actually take lots of little leaps in order to form a relationship. Then, sooner or later, you commit....or you don't. If you've been burned, it's harder to take that leap. When you think you have solid ground to land on and find out you're mistaken, you hesitate the next time. You want to test. You want to do everything you can to make sure there's ground there and that, even if you fall hard, you won't be making a mistake. Only problem is that you can't predict and you can't be sure. Hence, you need a leap of faith. In talking to someone last night, I realized that there are essentials and there is everything else. Essentials are qualities you require in an individual in order to commit to a relationship. Everything else, you just learn to accept. I talk a lot about compatibility and wanting to find someone with the same relationship needs and goals. Testing that compatibility is important. I want to make sure it's not an illusion -- that both parties truly want the same thing. How long does that take, really? Probably not very long. Yes, I was burned. I knew Moon was a good match for myself. Was she "perfect"? No. Were there things about her that annoyed or frustrated or even angered me? Yes. The essential compatibilty was there. The spark of something was there. I committed to her. It didn't last. Should I have waited longer to commit? If I had done that, would I have realized the compatibility wasn't enough? If I had taken more time before leaping, would I have saved myself that hurt? The truth is, it doesn't matter. I took the leap in good faith. I believed in the relationship and I accepted the risk that it might not work. I don't regret the risk. I don't regret the relationship. Ani DiFranco sings "Swan Song". When I was seeing Moon, it became sort of my anthem. "I'm just going to get my feet wet, until I drown." The leap of faith. I knew I was doing it. I trusted that, fly or crash, it was the right thing for me to do. After three years of waiting to find someone compatible, I'm hiding behind "caution" which is really fear. I'm not willing to make that leap of faith yet and commit, really commit that is. I'm waiting for some sort of certainty, even though I know it's impossible to achieve. I can't force it, I just have to trust. j is certain that she wants me as her owner. She was fairly certain before we even met in person and the meeting just reinforced it to her. I have struggled to understand how she could be so certain on so little contact. Then I realized it goes back to essentials: I'm the type of woman she wants in her life and the rest she'll just learn to live with -- if I let her. Is she the type of woman I want in my life? In core ways, yes. In some ways, no. Are the "no"s liveable or essentials? I'm not sure. I've been burned and I'm unsure if the caution is wasteful.
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