I am going to start filtering some of my more private musings. Since blogger does not have a tool for that, you will need to visit my Live Journal and ask to be friended there. I will continue to post Daily Gratitude and other subjects here. There is also a FAQ for my Journal at the same link.
| Friday, April 05, 2002 @ 07:12 I sometimes wonder if people think I think I'm inhuman. That I'm so harsh and cold and seeking an emotionless relationship with a doormat. I'm not. I don't try to hide the fact that I'm all too human. I make mistakes. I hurt people unintentionally. I have my own emotional buttons that can be pushed by family, friends, strangers. I overreact. I lose control of myself. I exhibit undisciplined behavior in many areas of my life. More importantly, I want an emotionally-grounded relationship. I'm not going to spend my life, or even a chunk of it, with someone who doesn't have feelings. Nor do I want someone who I could discard from my life easily. I want an emotional attachment in both directions, I just don't want it to be the "in love" feeling that is popularly portrayed. That's not me. And I don't want a relationship built on "we're equal in everything but the D/s" because I don't want there to be anything between us that isn't in a D/s construct. D/s doesn't preclude emotions, it thrives on them. Ownership is stronger the more intimacy grows between the parties involved. I just want a different framework for the relationship than "vanilla with D/s sprinkles." The result is that I can get hurt just as easily as a "loving dominant" and I can make mistakes in the way I "handle" a submissive/slave. Esp. in the early stages when I don't know them well, I can overreact. I can lash out. I can feel threatened. I didn't spend weeks crying my eyes out over Moon because my pride was hurt. When someone you love leaves your life, there's a hole -- esp. when you expected to grow closer to the person, not have them walk away. Even with NM, who doesn't want a long-term relationship and I've only known a few months, when we spent the last month hardly seeing or even talking to each other, I missed her. A LOT. And if I didn't have her journal to show me what she's feeling, I would have misjudged some situations. I'm still learning about her and our relationship. It's a constant process that, yes, gives me power over her, but it also results in me being more emotionally attached to her as well. Either of us can walk away. Both of us would hurt if that happened. In that respect, neither is "over" the other. I make mistakes of pride, of ego, of impatience (and countless other emotions) with all the women in my life. Ownership and non-ownership D/s are about emotions. Those emotions go both ways and both sides of the equation are subject to error, confusion, and hurt. I hope that has been clear throughout my writings, but perhaps it hasn't and that's why people misinterprete my views. Try reading this if you want a better idea: http://www.livejournal.com/users/bodhiblue/. Look for the entry "Stupid Rant on Stupid Topics" dated 2002-04-04 18:24. This is the type of feeling I hope to inspire in a slave.
Comments:
Post a Comment
|
|
|||||
page content & design by D M