I am going to start filtering some of my more private musings. Since blogger does not have a tool for that, you will need to visit my Live Journal and ask to be friended there. I will continue to post Daily Gratitude and other subjects here. There is also a FAQ for my Journal at the same link.
| Friday, April 26, 2002 @ 19:40 I was once a very, very depressed person. I look back at that now and have trouble seeing it, but I know it was true. In high school I was almost suicidal and in college it wasn't much better. Then I took a leave of absence and found mysElf. The transformation wasn't overnight and it isn't even over now. Changes in diet and climate helped as did spiritual practices and approach to life. It basically comes down to the ability to enjoy the moment instead of always being upset about the future/past and worried about how other people see me in the present. I find myself having little patience lately for people who are like I used to be. I don't know if it makes me uncomfortable to be reminded of my past or if I'm afraid of being dragged back there. Or maybe I'd just rather be enjoying life than listening to someone whine and moan and "woe" about it all. I told a coworker today "sounds like you shouldn't have married an X" (X being his vocation and when he brings it home, it disrupts their home in exactly the way that stresses and unnerves her). She replied saying she doesn't believe in divorce and that struck me as a very odd comment. I didn't say she should divorce him. I didn't say she couldn't be happy with him. I simply said that maybe she should have considered the compatibility of living with something that unnerves her *before* marrying him. Really I feel that if she's been with him this long(several years), she should have learned to either enjoy that aspect of his personality or at least how to be neutral about it. It's not like it's a little annoying personality quirk that pops up now and then. This is part of who this man is and he loves it so much that he made it his occupation for several decades. I'm not even going to address why she'd jump from my comment to divorce so quickly. There are certain things I don't want in my life anymore. There are other things I don't want to be around. There are countless things I don't know if I want or not. I've been pressed to commit to relationships faster than I feel comfortable. I don't want to find myself five years from now complaining that "I shouldn't have collared an X." I need the space to test compatibility and I'm going to give that to myself. And if others aren't happy with that, I'll say goodbye. If they are going to be with me, they have to live with all of me, not just the parts they fantasize about and not in a resentful and petulant or stressed out way. I don't want them to say "I shouldn't have let an X collar me." If that means slowing down and backing up, so be it. I'd rather "crush" someone now, in the early stages, than find myself in either of the above situations -- let alone one where both of us are complaining.
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