I am going to start filtering some of my more private musings. Since blogger does not have a tool for that, you will need to visit my Live Journal and ask to be friended there. I will continue to post Daily Gratitude and other subjects here. There is also a FAQ for my Journal at the same link.
| Wednesday, April 10, 2002 @ 23:00 No one ever said polyamory was easy. They just didn't warn me that it would effect my energy level. Sure, if I was sexually active with all the women in my life I'd deserve to be exhausted, or if I was beating all of them every night. However, at this point I am "in relationships" with three women, to varying degrees. Of them, I haven't even met j in person. We've spent a few hours on the phone and countless hours online, but the face-to-face is a bit hard when we're 900 miles apart. Tiger is much closer, but we're still very new to each other and figuring out what's what. NM is a different story altogether. Still, we've only spent two evenings together in the last seven days, so why am I always so tired? Oh, right, it's the emotional stress of negotiating with three different people -- all at different stages of relating -- heading toward different goals -- with different views on polyamory -- and not knowing if any of them will work out, ultimately. Well, that's not entirely true. I have a very good idea that one of them could work long-term, and work very well. It's just going to take time to work past the barriers and the fears and the wounds from past relationships. I think it will be worth it to make that happen. The other two have good vibes, but I'm still uncertain, maybe because they are still uncertain. Maybe I'm not as sure in myself of what I want as I thought. As part of a serious (read: almost relationship-ending) conversation over the weekend, NM reminded me that I told her I wanted two slaves: a female and a male. Not a female and a boi. Not two bois. Not three slaves. I'm sure I did say that. I've said it many times. I've also said that I'd like to have two live-in slaves and long-distance or part-time submissives. All ongoing/committed relationships, just of different types to fill different parts of my life. It's possible a boi may meet my need for masculine energy in my life without my needed a biological male. Or maybe I'll decide that I need two femme dykes rather than bois (goddess knows I'm really wanting to see someone in a corset about now). Or that, after all the strong feelings of poly I've felt the past three years, I'll decide I only want one committed slave in my house and casual, non-committed sessions with a few close friends outside the house. Because, unless I find a really rich slave or some that are good at housework, I'll be way too tired to maintain a job and still have the energy for the care and use of multiple charges. I need sleep now. More when I'm rested.
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