I am going to start filtering some of my more private musings. Since blogger does not have a tool for that, you will need to visit my Live Journal and ask to be friended there. I will continue to post Daily Gratitude and other subjects here. There is also a FAQ for my Journal at the same link.
| Sunday, May 26, 2002 @ 13:15 Attack of the migraine yesterday prevented me from having a play session with someone and with flirting with another on the phone. Also kept me from having a conversation with j that I planned for last night. Now she's out of town (and out of reach) until late tomorrow night. So who knows when I'll get a chance to visit that topic with her. I had another vision of my future life last night(or maybe it was this morning, time is blurry). It doesn't happen very often. In fact, it's only happened a few times that I remember. A few weeks ago when I went through released denial hell, it wasn't that I had a vision of my future, it was that I felt in my heart/soul/sElf that that was what I *wanted* and couldn't have. Visions are rare. A few have come true. A few haven't. They generally don't have a timeframe associated with them, so they could still manifest in my future. They always scare me because they seem so real and right and yet usually don't relate to what's happening at the moment or even at that time of my life. This one was doubly scary because it involved someone I barely know. Usually if there are people in them, it is people for whom I already have an emotional committment. Seeing someone else in there was certainly unexpected. (There were actually two people in this vision, but only the one was surprising.) I rented the John Cusack movie "Serendipity" and watched it last night. I adore John's acting and this movie also had Kate Beckinsale (one of my favorite actresses). So even though the plot looked cheesy and the movie had the potential for bigtime suckage, I knew I'd enjoy watching the two of them if nothing else. It wasn't a great movie, but the underlying themes, if a bit overdone, play into this vision of mine.The movie defines "Serendipity" as "fortunate accident". As Kate's character explains it to John's, she says that fate sends everyone little signs and it's whether we see them and act on them that determines whether or not we're happy. We have the free will to ignore the signs or to decide against them. I've had a lot of that in my life lately. There's a boi who I first encountered on a discussion list before I even moved to AZ. She was a domme then. I met her in person a year ago at a play party and something about her caught me (she's switchy but her central identity for the last year plus is boi). However, I'm shy and still didn't feel comfortable enough to pursue someone outside a party and I didn't see her at another party until early this year. At one point we exchanged a few flirty emails and then let things drop because of missed phone calls and the interference of other commitments on our time. I saw her at that fateful party a few weeks ago and we flirted a bit more about resuming negotiations from our previous corrrespondence. Then Monday night I went to the bar to hear caliann sing and the first person I saw was this boi. Totally unexpected and unnerving. I was in a bad place emotionally and the universe throws me in the same place as this woman that I find attractive on some level even though she embodies almost everything I find UNattractive. Fast forward to Tuesday night when I'm in one of my very rare overdrive phases with regard to sex. I wanted it and I wanted it bad. And I wanted it to be hard and long and penetrative, even though that's not what I normally like. (of me that is. I love f***ing someone else long and hard and penetrative!) And my first thought was to call this boi and tell her to get her ass over to my apartment. She was out. Which was probably fate's way of telling me that that's not what I want/need from this boi. We've since exchanged a few e-mails and had an interesting phone conversation. Yet there's a timing element that's still off. We're missing connecting more than we're connecting. Something else needs to happen before it's time for this. And I'm afraid of what that thing might be. Damn. It's so confusing. She literally is most of the things I find unattractive, and yet I'm drawn to her. And in discussing her with a few friends this week I realized some things that I had ignored previously. How strong that draw is. What sort of feelings she bring up in me. The fact that at that party a year ago I zinged her a few times to put her in her place and that was incredibly out of character for me. I don't verbally dominate someone I've just met. I just don't feel comfortable doing that. Yet, with her, it just happened. And continues to happen. I even brought the point up to her during our conversation, that I can't figure out what is there and it bugs me. I don't know if I will figure it out. I just know that right now I want to explore it and at the same time I want to push her away. I could end up with some major problems and hard work and maybe even tremendous hurt and loss if I go down this path. I feel it. It scares me on more levels than I want to admit. With the risks I'm accepting in moving forward in my relationship with j, do I really have energy and time to devote to someone else? Do I have the energy to resist this draw? Do I want to? What the f*** did that vision mean?
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