I am going to start filtering some of my more private musings. Since blogger does not have a tool for that, you will need to visit my Live Journal and ask to be friended there. I will continue to post Daily Gratitude and other subjects here. There is also a FAQ for my Journal at the same link.
| Friday, May 10, 2002 @ 23:28 Dang, where did the week go? It felt like one of the longest in my life, and yet I didn't realize I hadn't posted since last weekend. Weird. Work was long and the stress of recovering from the injury was long and being alone every night was hard. Five months ago I hadn't played with anyone in an SM sense in something like 15 months. Now I'm complaining about going three weeks without seeing NM. Amazing how your definition of "dry spell" can change so quickly. I think the problem, aside from the exhaustion, is that I'm feeling things that I'm not ready to share here. Mostly because of the audience factor. Darby wrote a few weeks ago about how she was considering starting a new blog and not telling anyone she knows about it. Then she would be free to write about things without wondering how they would react. I could express things more freely if I knew it wouldn't be read by people who might be hurt by it. Not exactly the sentiments of a "mean sadistic evil greedy bitch" I know. I am a loving person (NOT a "loving dominant"!!!) and as such I respect the feelings of those close to me. Just because I can be selfish, demanding and cold within an ownership relationship (which I do not have now) and in specific sessions, doesn't mean I don't also care about the person on the other end of the cane/whip/paddle/leash. In fact, if I don't care about you, odds are you won't get to see the MSEGB-- she only reveals herself to those who can handle her (which is why people at work think I'm sweet and nice and are shocked when I tease coworkers or make a bitchy comment). Back to what Darby wrote. I asked her the other day why she keeps a blog. By nature, it's a public forum. If you're wanting to express things publicly, there must be a reason behind it. I'm asking myself the same thing. Why do I want to share with the few of you who come to this site to read about my (mostly) boring life? Am I trying to get you to understand me better? Am I learning to communicate more freely? I have kept written journals in the past and learned a lot about myself from them. On a side note: Why the f*** can't people just say what they mean??? Why do I have to play 20 questions in order to translate what could have been clearly stated in one sentence? And am I touchy about this because three people have done it to me tonight or because I'm hormonal and touchy in the first place?? end side note I am learning about myself by the things I write here. It started with the Perceptions on the DM's Realm site and evolved into this Journal. I think Perceptions had much more of an audience, but that's because the old freespeech url was in a lot of search engines and this is not. Would I feel more freedom to write if I had a bigger, more anonymous audience? Probably not because the core readers would still be lurking in the masses...and questioning or confronting me on the content. There is a lot I could write about control and ownership about how my mind works when I get around someone who inspires me. However, that would be revealing secrets. Maybe I'm just scared like everyone else. Scared of offending someone I love. Afraid that if I hurt them here, in public, they'll leave my life. Or that if the see too deeply into my thought processes, *they* will be terrified. A few weeks ago I read something (can't remember if it was on a discussion list or someone's blog/journal) about the time their dom told her exactly what was on his mind and about how much more horrific it was than she had ever imagined in all the times of saying "tell me, I can take it." You see, we really are sadists and the things that separate us from the nonconsensual criminal sadists are thin, fragile barriers. And if I showed you what's really in my mind, would you still read this? And would/should I be locked away?
Comments:
Post a Comment
|
|
|||||
page content & design by D M