I am going to start filtering some of my more private musings. Since blogger does not have a tool for that, you will need to visit my Live Journal and ask to be friended there. I will continue to post Daily Gratitude and other subjects here. There is also a FAQ for my Journal at the same link.
| Sunday, May 12, 2002 @ 09:05 If someone asked me yesterday what I wanted if I could have anything (relationship-wise) I would have lied and said I don’t know. Today I’d tell them the truth (well, depending on who they are) and admit that I know I can’t have that right now and may not be able to have it in the future and that that fact hurts more than they can imagine. In fact, I can pinpoint that the last time I hurt like this was February 1999. And that was the only time in my life I have felt this, until now. To know what I want-- not just think or feel or dream but to *KNOW*--and to simultaneously *KNOW* that it’s out of my reach, that hurt is singular. It’s not just frustration. It’s not just sadness. It’s not just anger. If anything, I’d say it’s loss – almost a sense of mourning. The kind of feelings that keep you from sleeping and make your body hurt. You can only deny that sort of knowledge so long before it jumps up and whacks you over the head (translation: no sleep, weird reactions to medication, actual pain in blocked chakras, and LOTS of tears). And anyone who reads this journal and knows me enough to read between the lines knows that that denial has been going on for awhile now. So it’s got to make up for that repression time as well as expressing the actual pain of this moment. I’m actually much better at denial than some may think. I hide it in the form of doubt. In perfectionism. In patience. In "testing" someone. In "exploration" of what I want. I also hide behind the words. No matter how many times I tell people that love can be as passionate and intense as "being in love" and is actually a stronger, more lasting bond, I know that they will think they aren’t important to me because I don’t tell them "I’m in love with you"—ever. So they can walk away thinking that they didn’t hurt me because I "didn’t really love them" and not realize how much I did, in fact, love them and how much I mourn the loss of them from my life. Nice way to protect my ego, huh? I get to cry in private – for days or weeks – and they don’t see how hurt I am. Nothing has changed in my relationships since yesterday. I’m still seeing NM and planning future visits with j over the summer. At least, if anything has changed, they haven’t told me. What has changed is my loss of denial. I’m greedy and I can’t have what I want. And I have to accept that even though I pretend to the outside world that I’m not sure what I want, the reality is that I know I might not get it and that hurts so much I may have to take a day off work tomorrow for mental health reasons. …. Or I can just take the risk and admit what I want and face the consequences. I’m just selfish enough to not want to go back to the way things were between February 1999 and the beginning of this year. Hiding behind the denial, I was perfectly happy with the ways things were as of yesterday (if a little frustrated by interruptions like children, distance, and broken car transmissions). If I can return to deniability or learn to handle the reality, maybe I can return to enjoying what I have and not worrying about what I want and can’t have now.
Comments:
Post a Comment
|
|
|||||
page content & design by D M