I am going to start filtering some of my more private musings. Since blogger does not have a tool for that, you will need to visit my Live Journal and ask to be friended there. I will continue to post Daily Gratitude and other subjects here. There is also a FAQ for my Journal at the same link.
| Sunday, May 12, 2002 @ 09:04 On a discussion list someone posted about the conflict her husband-master was feeling about the word "evil" and being able to be evil enough to make her happy. It drew some interesting responses about how tops have to learn to be ok with their own feelings and urges. That it can take a long time to rework our moral framework to embrace who we are instead of who we were told we should be. In another thread there was a discussion of what responsibilities a dominant has in a relationship. Another discussed the difference between active and passive dominance. Points were made in these threads that ownership is a big deal, how owners/sadists regularly compare their behavior against their internal ethics and morals to make sure they are still within bounds they can accept, that some owners feel no need to be "active" since their agreement with their property is simply to be themselves. I like this list not because I’m learning new techniques or where the next play party will be held, but because I get to stretch my definitions of some things while finding validation that I’m not alone in what I want and who I am. Last night I went to a play party. Dealing with hormonally-charged emotions and some jealousy-inspiring situations wasn’t the best recipe for a good time. However, I managed to enjoy certain elements while dealing with somewhat unexpected reactions to certain situations. At one point I was handed a paddle to try out on NM (who had insisted she didn’t want to play publicly yet but had already with someone else) and since it wasn’t a full "scene" but just a "show her how it feels" and she seemed willing, I did so. She reacted in a different way than she had to her earlier scene, but in a way I’ve seen on several occasions. However, when I did exactly what she expected me to do, another domme stepped in to remind NM that safewords are okay and asked her if she needed to learn to use them. Consent is a very personal thing and even though I knew that most of these people were SSC followers, I thought they knew and trusted me enough after all these months to know I wouldn’t do something "wrong." Part of my relationship with NM is pushing her. I use force and I ignore her refusals and anger and once we come to the other side, she submits and admits that she wanted me to push – and thanks me for it. I tell people I’m mean and they smile. I explain that I’m evil and greedy and they probably think that I mean I play a role of an evil bitch in sessions that are negotiated out in advance as a way to overcome "pretend" resistance. I tell them I’m sadistic and they think it means I like to play with pain sluts and send them into a space where they can’t feel the pain, only the endorphin high. I like to hurt people. I like to make them angry and resistant and grumpy and then hurt them more. The resistance is real and the anger is genuine and it would make an SSC domme back off in an instant. When NM said last night I was "being mean" to her, she meant it and she wasn’t in the SAMmie space that she, and several others, had exhibited all evening. The thing is, she likes it when I’m mean and I’d wager that it’s the meanness that plays a big part in her coming back to me for more. Almost two years ago I did a public scene with Linda that freaked out some spectators enough that they left the room and several came up to her afterwards to make sure she was okay. In her case it wasn’t a submission scene, but a pure meeting of sadist and masochist. I beat her, she felt lots of pain, and we were both very happy. Last night reminded me of that. The people at the party last night haven’t seen me play, not the way I really like, and the few moments they glimpsed of how NM and I interact, was upsetting to some (or at least to the one who interrupted ). I resent the fact that they made me doubt myself. I actually made a point to check in with NM a little later to assure myself I had read her reactions properly because that doubt was planted and I couldn't relax until it was addressed. I want a place where I can be myself and not have my scenes interrupted. Where they understand the concepts of ownership and the doctrine of "presence is implied consent" and trust that I know how to read a submissive I’ve dominated for months.
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