I am going to start filtering some of my more private musings. Since blogger does not have a tool for that, you will need to visit my Live Journal and ask to be friended there. I will continue to post Daily Gratitude and other subjects here. There is also a FAQ for my Journal at the same link.
| Sunday, June 16, 2002 @ 11:55 A few weeks ago I wrote about serendipity and the universe sending signs if we'd only notice and accept them. Sometimes the universe sends examples instead of signs: situations or relationships that aren't supposed to work so that we can be ready for the one that will--if we've been aware enough to process the lesson that we see the sign that comes later. About three years ago I discovered female bois/boys for the first time in person. There were dozens of them at IMsL. I had seen them prior to that, but didn't have time to really *notice* them. At IMsL, I noticed....how physically cute they were, how they had this interesting energy that was both male and female at the same time (if they were truly comfortable with their boiness and not simply coping the costume), their "take me as I am or f*** you" attitude. It was hot, but I didn't quite understand it and wasn't sure I could relate to someone who was so far outside my experience. Trapped in KS, I encountered three women who might have been bois, but they didn't identify as such at the time. When I got to AZ, I wondered how I'd react to being around bois at events. I didn't come from a lesbian community, not even vanilla, butches were outside my experience, other than intellectual discourse in conversation and readings. There were more and more bois online in chat rooms and discussion groups, but my physical interaction was quite limited. In AZ, that changed as there are quite a number of bois (or boys) who participate in the women's group here. However annoying the SAMs might have been -- and almost every boi I've encountered is at least bratty, if not a complete SAM -- they still had this ability to amuse me, and I found one or two attractive. I just resisted the manipulative nature of "make me" not to mention the idea that they used being bad/bratty/smart-assed as a way to get attention and to incite someone to dominate them as a response. The boi fell into this category. At parties she lets her SAM-side out to play, only I had no way of knowing that this is a release and not her normal personality. Yes, I found her amusing at times, but she often crossed the line into annoying me -- sometimes to the point that I left the room she was in rather than feed her need for attention. I was attracted, but the party persona also turned me off. Same with a couple of other bois. Somehow, the universe stepped in and said "reconsider bois, *&#**$&!" I wasn't looking for a boi nor was I interested in the ones who expressed interest in me. Then suddenly I find three very different butch-type women in my life. NM insists she's not a boi in way, but there are a few bois (and one Daddy) who think she should be and would happier if she taped into that energy for herself. I don't see her necessarily becoming a boi, but as a jock-tomgirl, she has a lot in common with them and could get into a lot of trouble hanging out with them. j has identified as boi as long as I've know her. She considers herself a boi slave and a transgendered person. I resisted her because I didn't want a boi. Then I started to see a boi could be of use in lots of ways. I also thought that j had more feminine energy in her than masculine. So either she hid the boi side of herself or it wasn't as strong as she thought it was. Tiger is a definite boi and it may have been that energy that attracted me to her in the first place. However, the compatibility factor was way less than I originally thought/hoped and that was a painful realization on both sides. I remember friends saying "but I thought you didn't want a boi and you have two/three of them in your life." I told them I wasn't seeking it and I wasn't sure what to do with it, it just happened. And, unfortunately, the poly energy wasn't good, so I wasn't comfortable with these bois running around, though my ego loved the attention. This was a case of the universe saying: look at these women that a year ago you wouldn't have looked at and see how it could be good with each of them. I learned to open my mind to the fact there were woman outside what I said I wanted that could still be enjoyable. Women who could be fun and challenging and worth energy and time -- people who I might not have talked to six months earlier who could add something positive to my life. Still, because all three of these relationships seemed temporary or strained, the energy just drained. And I started to think that I wanted j in spite of her being a boi and wouldn't want a boi who wasn't j. Enter the boi. (I haven't found a nickname for her yet, but "the boi" works for now.) To be honest, the boi entered my life three years ago, it just entered a new stage in the last month. I like the boi. I like that the boi is a boi. Finding the boi underneath the party brat was all it took. I actually find myself referring to her as "him" in certain circumstances. I don't think about what pronouns I'm using, I just say what feels right in that moment. She has female energy along with the male, but she id's as male: she is a boi (and a drag king) and I enjoy that. And, apparently, I'm treating her the way a boi wants to be treated. Don't ask what that means. I still don't have the words for what a boi is or wants or needs, I just know this boi and like all her facets. I'm not quite a femme and I'm certainly not the Daddi she thought she wanted. I know for a fact she isn't what I was looking for, because I looked at her several times in the last year with a "hey, that's cute" and then said "no" to it. However, she *IS* what I needed and has the capacity to be the things I wanted, I just didn't know it could come in that form. I'm not dismissing NM or j as simply "lessons" that led me to the boi. I cherished them and our time together. I'm still processing the emotional connection and letting go of the hopes and feelings I'd attached to them being in my life. They made their choice that they couldn't go forward with me. I firmly believe that any relationship that doesn't teach you something is a waste of your time. The two of them (and Tiger) taught me a lot about myself and about relationships and balance. They filled other roles, but one that they shared was teaching me about butch/boi identity and how gratifying that could be. I think the boi probably owes them a thanks for that (as well as other things). I'll be experiencing a lot more about bois and butches and drag kings and genderfucks now and I'll be doing it eagerly, instead of being confused and reluctant. Expect the subject to pop up from time to time and, maybe, I'll finally start writing in the "Sexuality & Gender" section. I knew there was something in me that wanted the fluidity, that was drawn to the transgendered and the complexity, I just wasn't ready. "when the student is ready, the teacher appears" doesn't just apply to spirituality. I'm ready to go down this road with the boi -- and with any others who appear.
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