I am going to start filtering some of my more private musings. Since blogger does not have a tool for that, you will need to visit my Live Journal and ask to be friended there. I will continue to post Daily Gratitude and other subjects here. There is also a FAQ for my Journal at the same link.
| Saturday, June 22, 2002 @ 17:02 I don't like emotional games. I spent a significant part of my life trapped in patterns I perfected in childhood and adolescence. The only way I knew to achieve any sort of peace was to manipulate non-consensually. Quite a fallacy, but one that many, many people accept without question. Then, about a dozen years ago, I woke up. Literally. I rediscovered a knowledge of spirit that surpasses a single lifetime and third dimensional existence. In owning that knowledge and expanding my awareness of mysElf and the universe around me, I found a real peace and learned to let go of the old patterns. When I discovered the strength to enter the realm of BDSM, I knew my spirituality. I had just come to terms with my bisexuality, but was not quite ready to turn sexual understanding into sexual practice -- first I had to learn about power and pain. My spirituality got set aside a bit. Not completely, but a little. In exploring the world of power-cognizant relationships, I forgot to apply my spiritual knowledge. I fell back into the emotional games of the past. I obsessed. I used guilt. I let others send me on guilt-trips and into levels of desparation that led to depression. My heart broke. And it broke again. And I told myself that when the time was right, the right person would enter my life and everything would just click. Now I'm in a healthy relationship with someone whose spiritual path is familiar to me. We click on more levels than I ever dreamed possible -- well, that's not true, I did dream, but I didn't let myself plan on it. There are no games. We don't say "if you do X, I'll give you Z." We don't push or needle, nag or guilt. "If you loved me..." "If you really want me..." "If..." Instead our dialogue is "I can't believe you think/feel/see/know that!" The questions we ask aren't meant to manipulate (well, okay, sometimes I manipulate, but that's in the context of D/s, not emotional games) or create emotional blackmail. We reassure each other that we're not crazy; that this energy is real and the compatibility is genuine and the integrity of the relationship is undeniable. We ask questions to get further understanding of the other. I can trust that she isn't going to say "noooooo" when she means "yes" or run away in doubt and fear so that I have to chase her down and drag her back. Emotional maturity is a rare thing. The boi was smart enough to send it out to the universe that she wanted that in a D/s partner. I wasn't. We both got sidetracked by people who seemed like a good match: enough commonality and chemistry to attract our attention and keep us occupied and interested. But as the layers peeled in the relationships, commonality didn't reveal compatibility and as lovely as sex and pain can be, an ongoing relationship needs something deeper to sustain it as more than f*** buddies/play partners. And then there were the emotional games: "make me" "prove it" "do what I want or else" "if you want me..." emotional blackmail, guilt trips, passive-aggressive responses, the list is endless. In the last five years, between the two of us, we've had dozens of near misses with someone who was "almost" what we were seeking. We began to negotiate a contract/agreement for the D/s aspect of our relationship. It will be for six months and then renegotiate. Neither of us has much experience with a written document. We've always relied on verbal agreements and commitments. In this case, we need it written. It's happening so fast and feels so incredible. There are things happening between us of which we are not consciously aware. Our higher sElves are at work. The universe is at work. We have come home to each other after a lifetime apart, and the knowledge that we already know each other is a constant. That is overwhelming of itself. That we are so compatible in our D/s and SM interactions only adds to that intensity. We need a checklist, something that spells it out not to reassure us that we're safe with each other, but to reassure ourselves that this is IT: what we say and feel and think is exactly what we have -- and we are in agreement to what all that is. We are emotionally mature and trust each other. Rather than being a security blanket for the individual, the document becomes a symbol of the trust that is so instinctive and new it scares us. Whether I'll have the guts to share that document (once it's finished) on any of my websites remains to be seen. I'm sure I'll touch on various areas of it in future entries. I'm just amazes that this boi came into my life and I finally recognized her for who she is and what she can offer me in service and submission.
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