I am going to start filtering some of my more private musings. Since blogger does not have a tool for that, you will need to visit my Live Journal and ask to be friended there. I will continue to post Daily Gratitude and other subjects here. There is also a FAQ for my Journal at the same link.
| Thursday, June 06, 2002 @ 18:19 I finally got the boi to read the journal and came home to a rather excited and bouncy e-mail. (I am never going to understand where she gets all that energy!) I suppose I should use masculine pronouns, but I see her as a woman. A woman with very masculine energy and personality, but still a woman. I'll have to talk to her about that later. So she's rambling on and on and switching from topic to topic (which I'm used to after the dozens upon dozens of hours of conversation we've had the past few weeks) and I start to wonder which posts she read. And I think she looked at the Perceptions too. So I went back to the date of that party and read all the journal posts since then. And it's just weird. May 11th I was seeing j and NM. June 1st I was writing about how j decided to move here to be near me. Today it's June 6th and even though NM still likes to flirt, I have serious doubts she can wrap her mind around the poly concept enough to play with me privately again. And j? Dumped me via e-mail on the 4th. So why am I happy? Because things are just clicking soooo well with the boi and I can't help myself. Yes, there's pain still to be released with regards to j and NM. Lots of it. But I'm not going to lie down and stop living the way I used to. Licking my wounds so they can't heal is stupid. Having a boi take my mind off things is very, very good. My mind has gone so many places in the past few weeks that I didn't even remember some of the things I wrote recently. Serendipity and signs? The boi and I have had conversations about that -- how all the signs were there for us to notice and we kept ignoring them so the universe kept upping the voltage until we couldn't ignore it anymore. Is it "fate" that both times things got really, really bad with j, I ended up in a bar with the boi? Or that when I was struggling so hard to let go of NM at that party it was the boi that I actually teased a bit and played? She keeps going back to the fact that she's wanted me for going on four years now. That on that discussion list she liked what I wrote and cursed that I didn't live in AZ. I point out that I didn't think of her then because she was in domme space and why would that attract me? I realized today that if she didn't catch my eye, why did I remember that brief interchange all these years? Why was *I* the one who made the connection between her domme identity and this boi flitting around at parties? For some reason she stuck in the back of my mind and percolated all this time until it was too hot to ignore. I would like to see NM and j find it within themselves to stay in my life. I'm not escaping the pain or forgetting how much I care about them by spending all this time and energy with the boi. I'm simply going forward with something that started long before even j entered my life. -- and, to be honest, it's unbelievably refreshing to be going forward with someone who wants to go forward. There's no coaxing or prodding or reassurance needed. She wants to go where this takes us and even though we're both taking periodic reality checks, the energy is compelling both of us forward. Neither is reluctant. Not anymore. If the universe is sending me something this good, I'm not going to ignore it. Nor am I going to bury it under thoughts of how it would be better "if only" NM and j were part of the big picture. I am poly. I could incorporate all three, but two aren't willing and I can't force it. Once I've healed from them, I'll probably find some others to bring into my life. I'll just be more careful to match the energy, because even if things with the boi end up being temporary (which I seriously doubt), it's the energy that attracted me and it's the energy that's doing some amazing things with/to us.
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