I am going to start filtering some of my more private musings. Since blogger does not have a tool for that, you will need to visit my Live Journal and ask to be friended there. I will continue to post Daily Gratitude and other subjects here. There is also a FAQ for my Journal at the same link.
| Saturday, June 01, 2002 @ 10:28 j decided to move to AZ to be closer to me. This is something I had planned for the future, but I wanted to wait until we had a few more visits to test daily interaction. As a responsible future owner, I couldn't justify ordering her to leave her job, family, friends, and property to move to a very different climate when I'm not 100% sure it will work between us. However, I'm happy she decided to move on her own. I know I could stop her. She won't do anything I don't want. I still worry about her moving too fast and where she would be if either of us decide it's not working. However, the process of moving is going to take months and months. Job transfers take awhile to arrange and she has property to sell and needs to figure out where to live and what to do with the decades worth of stuff she has in her house. In the end it may turn out to take so long that I order her to speed things up and just get here already. Darby wrote in her blog yesterday about collars -- that they are external symbols and she needs them to help ground herself. I can understand that idea. However I also feel that collars need to be earned. They aren't a symbol of feeling or intent, but of proven committment -- and that takes time. I have made mistakes many times in my life with regards to collars. I gave them too soon or I gave them out of emotion instead of committment. Yes, most of the collars I've given have been cyber, but there were several "real life." Over half of all of them were mistakes (I'm counting protection and pure training collars as well consideration/trial and "full" collars), which is why it had been years since I gave one and will probably be quite some time until I risk it again. --actually my most recent experience wouldn't have happened if I had stuck by my own philosophy about collars taking time. I need to move slowly and do a lot of testing before offering even a consideration collar. I know j craves a collar, either training or consideration. she wants the reassurance that having a {DM^ or -c/DM on her nick on IRC and having something to wear in her daily life would offer. I know she was hurt tremendously when she missed the opportunity back in April. (I had planned to offer both her and tiger consideration collars on the same day, but j was in one of her "trying to run away" moods and was avoiding me on the day I had picked.) However, the events of the past two months have reaffirmed my belief that collars come later -- months or even years after a relationship is established. j and I are still establishing our relationship. I won't collar her until she is here with me, and not until the relationship reaches a level of commitment that deserves that external symbol. I usually hate equating bdsm relationships to vanilla ones, but it is similar to marrying someone in the first blush of infatuation and lust rather than waiting for the deeper connection of soul and heart and mind that come later. Some people are capable of connecting on that soul-recognition level on a "first sight" basis, but most of us aren't. There's also the pesky fact that someone can be your soul mate and not meant to be your partner in this lifetime. (reincarnation is a tricky, tricky thing -- esp. given the nature of time.) Is j already my slave, collar or not? she would say yes because she made that committment in her heart months ago and it cemented itself when she came to visit. I say no because there is too much in her life that I do not control. Yes, I know she would yield all those things if I decided to assert control. However, I know it would be quite a struggle if I suddenly took over her life. It would be disruptive and painful and possibly end the relationship. I prefer to keep it a slow process. Each week, almost every day, I take more of her, sometimes without her being aware of it. I have accepted that her desire is sincere and that her devotion is growing. When devotion overtakes desire it will be time to consider a collar. Besides, I haven't earned the right to collar her yet. she has offered me ownership and control, and I am, slowly, taking them. Owning is accepting responsibility for and demonstrating the capability of controlling mind, body, emotions, and spirit. Until I do that, I don't deserve my collar on her neck. First I have to accept the full responsibilities. Then I have to demonstrate ability over time. I will own her before I collar her -- and I don't doubt that it will happen. she is my future slave. When it's no longer about potential and goals, but a reflection of what we have proven and achieved, that is when I will collar her.
Comments:
Post a Comment
|
|
|||||
page content & design by D M