I am going to start filtering some of my more private musings. Since blogger does not have a tool for that, you will need to visit my Live Journal and ask to be friended there. I will continue to post Daily Gratitude and other subjects here. There is also a FAQ for my Journal at the same link.
| Wednesday, June 19, 2002 @ 07:29 A long time ago I realized that my brand of d/s is not about controlling behaviors. Yes, there are times that behavior modification or high protocol are appropriate and desired. Most of the time I'm not interested in micro-management or doing the thinking for the submissive/slave. I'd much rather control the major decisions, exert influence on opinions and philosophies, receive service......I'm still having trouble finding the words for this. I'll try another tactic. I need a mental and emotional knowledge of a bottom before I am willing to exert dominance over her. I will accept limited service, exercise SM practices, and even play with low levels of verbal domination as I get to know someone and negotiate with her. It takes time, however, for me to get inside her head and feel comfortable enough there to begin to extend my control and push the buttons of submission and surrender. Generally there is an instinctive knowledge of the basic submissiveness and an empathic understanding of how to manipulate through words and actions. It is that connection that makes the submissive want me. They sense the dominance and the power lurking behind the politeness. They enjoy the ease with which I get into their mind and seem to compel their submission without exerting much effort. This has caused many, many problems in my life. When the submissive feels compelled to submit early on, or even immediately, they want dominance to begin at that moment. It may scare them to realize they are submitting so much so fast, but they crave proof of dominance and they get upset when they don't get it. I am not going to start making demands, giving orders, or setting rules of behavior for someone I've just met. I may provide opportunities for service and, after negotiation, engage in SM play or limited sexual dominance, but I move slowly and that frustrates most women who want what they want when they want it. Sorry, but in my mind it's the domme who gets what she wants when she wants it: my timeline supersedes that of the bottom. Most don't have the patience to wait for me to be ready. Many get frustrated and back away or spend all their time brooding and depressed. It's important to me to wait. My dominance may be natural and instinctive on the general level, but if I'm going to accept responsibility for a d/s or m/s or ownership relationship, I have to 1) learn enough about the bottom's mind to do so effectively and 2) feel comfortable enough with that knowledge to trust it and trust myself. Until I know what's inside your head and how your mind works, I can't exert the type of dominance that I crave. I have to achieve a certain comfort level, process the information to the point where I don't have to consciously think about it anymore, because only then does it stop being work. I don't want my dominance of a woman to be hard work. It shouldn't be a struggle. It shouldn't be a "I'm going to make you submit whether you want to or not" situation. Getting to know the bottom is key to avoiding struggle and taking away from the work. It has the added effect of building trust as good communication has to be two-way: as I learn about the girl/boi's mind and processes, she gains insight into mine and learns whether I am worthy of her trust and devotion. When the bottom resists opening her mind to me, when she focuses on behaviors and rules and service instead of letting me inside her head, that introductory stage is prolonged and becomes work. If there is a spark, I will attempt to do that work. I may even feel excited at the prospect of working with someone new. However, that type of interaction usually drains me emotionally and mentally as well as physically. And, if the bottom continues to resist my process, we both end up tired and frustrated and even angry or hurt. When the bottom opens her mind and shares her processes with little push needed on my part, that's almost majical. There is no work, only a flow of ideas and thoughts and reactions. That has been a rare thing for me to encounter and I cherish the few who have submitted to that process with me. I have learned, finally (I hope) that this is a key indicator of whether or not a relationship is going to suceed. I don't want to work at D/s in the initial stages. I expect there will be true barriers later on when limits are pushed and surrender becomes an issue, but if a bottom can't give in to the first steps, to the initial probing of mind and emotions, then it's going to be impossible for me to find a comfort level and exert the dominance they crave -- and we'll exhaust ourselves long before reaching the deeper stuff that makes all this worthwhile. there is more, but I have to get to work. focus. I do thank the universe for all the wonderful things that have come into my life this year and any bounty it chooses to send in the future.
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