I am going to start filtering some of my more private musings. Since blogger does not have a tool for that, you will need to visit my Live Journal and ask to be friended there. I will continue to post Daily Gratitude and other subjects here. There is also a FAQ for my Journal at the same link.
| Friday, June 07, 2002 @ 07:18 The other day I saw something I didn't want to see. Well, that's not true. It was exactly what I wanted to see, but it is scary as hell and as I'm trying to break all my old patterns, I have to avoid the temptation. I saw something in the boi that she has buried so very deep that it took all this time for me to see. And as deep as it is, there is some doubt it can be drawn out again. She is the one who raised the subject several times yesterday (*after* I had already gone there in my head). I let her express her thoughts and then put on the brakes (a bit) by saying "yes, that's one place it can go, but it's not the only place." We have repeatedly agreed to try to stay in the moment and not forecast where this is going. We agreed to move slowly (relatively speaking) and let this energy take us where it takes us. I've f***ed up many things in my life with my Virgo need to predict, plan, and control the future. I've been fighting that pattern for awhile now, but it's hard. Even with NM I fell into that trap. I let my mind go forward and start to dwell on where I wanted the relationship to go and how to take it there. With j I tried to resist that, to put things on hold until I could test parts of it, but then, as soon as I did start to project a specific future, it ended too. So, if the last two break ups have messages about projection, I can't be stupid with this new one. Yes, I've had glimpses -- moments of insight and even direct vision -- of where this could go and I like those glimpses. However, I know that there are other ways it could go and be just as good, or maybe better. The universe has brought this wonderful thing to my life in a form that I wouldn't have chosen for myself, so I'm going to trust it to shape whatever relationship grows from this energy. As often as I'm using the word scary both here and in conversations with people, the boi was right when she pointed out last night that there really isn't fear involved. We are both concerned about the risks that go along with any relationship. We are both healing past issues of trust and judgement and trying to circumvent old patterns. Because there is so much potential for this to work, there are also infinite opportunities for each of us to f*** up...... All I can really do is steal the last line from the boi's e-mail to me late last night: "And now, I want more."
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