I am going to start filtering some of my more private musings. Since blogger does not have a tool for that, you will need to visit my Live Journal and ask to be friended there. I will continue to post Daily Gratitude and other subjects here. There is also a FAQ for my Journal at the same link.
| Monday, June 24, 2002 @ 17:22 written at work during my lunch break... Last month I wrote the boi an e-mail with the subject line "missed opportunity." In the wee hours of last night, as we tried to process a shift and expansion in energy, we discovered there were actually a number of missed opportunities prior to that e-mail. However, as much as we both wanted the other and weren't able to communicate it, had we taken one of those early opportunities, it wouldn't have turned out so well. I have a tendency to sabotage good things in my life. I also have a lot of guilt and self-consiousness about sex and SM. I've worked through a lot of it (esp. in the past few weeks), but had I picked up the boi at the party or the bar in May, I would have run screaming the morning after -- and there was a good chance she would have as well -- if not sooner than I. We needed to communicate first -- to start to realize the energy and compatibility were there -- and good -- and even a bit overwhelming in a positive way. Then, when we added the SM and the D/s and the sex, it seemed natural instead of terrifyingly good. Years ago I wrote bad fiction. I've said it many, many times. Last night I shared part of a story with the boi -- the sense, not the prose. It was about love that wasn't desparate or clingly or obsessive or doubtful. It contrasted the "I can't live without you" mentality with "we exist eternally and I'm not afraid of losing someone who is myself." Now, I'll admit that if I dig up the story, the language will be inadequate to the subject matter. I didn't know half of what I was writing, it just sounded good. Now I know how it feels. Eternity is not a word about time. It refers to timeLESSness. All past and future exists in the present. If I am with you in the moment -- truly with you and not just sharing space -- then we exist eternally with each other. I may have "met" the boi almost four years ago on a lesbian bdsm e-mail list, but she has always been a part of my life -- a part of me. Did I have a life before this relaitonship? Yes. Is there any part of my past and future that weren't shared with the boi? No. We have always been connected and we will always be connected. Physicality and third-dimensional consciousness are not the sum of a relationship. Separateness is an illusion and she gets that without my having to explain it to her fifty different ways! - that and everything else I know and believe in trust. We share it all.
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