I am going to start filtering some of my more private musings. Since blogger does not have a tool for that, you will need to visit my Live Journal and ask to be friended there. I will continue to post Daily Gratitude and other subjects here. There is also a FAQ for my Journal at the same link.
| Sunday, July 28, 2002 @ 18:42 I have resisted posting the past few weeks. It's not just a matter of time. A slave knows not to expect attention so it would be simple enough to assign her a task and then write here. It's not just a matter of exhaustion. I'm slowly guiding us to a more practical sleep schedule so that we have enough energy for each other and our jobs and other interests. It's only partly a matter of name -- she remains the boi, but there is so much more to her than that and some aspects can't be addressed under her boi identity. It's mainly a matter of intimacy. By the time we decided to move in together, she had pretty much stopped writing in her blog. She was rarely at her house (either being at work, here, or traveling between the two) so didn't have much computer time. In the last month, though, issues between us have reached such deep levels of intimacy and understanding, that they are too private to be shared with the cyber world. Her journal is being kept offline, where she gets the processing provided by writing and I have the opportunity to read her feelings and questions without exposing it to outsiders. Mine just isn't getting written, though we have had some long discussions about my issues. We have been reading Slavecraft. I acquired an autographed copy at Thunder in the Mountains (I also attended a seminar led by Guy Baldwin and Patrick Califia on related subject matter) and finally finished reading it last night. The boi is still a few chapters from the end (she didn't have an all-day van ride back from Colorado on which to start reading). It's given us a more viable language for understanding the journey we started. She has over twenty years experience in the bdsm world, and some years of that were spent in ownership relationships of various kinds. I, on the other hand, have years of research, discourse, and intellectual exploration of what I want. Finding a common, accurate language for our private discussions has been a key element in our ability to define what we are and what we want. Developing the language and spending hours processing individually before coming together to discuss, we have made incredible progress in the past few weeks. From planning a non-live in, non 24/7 D/s under a trial contract of six months, we have accepted the actual nature of our relationship is not a "someday" but a "now" -- in this moment, how we interact. Does she submit or serve or surrender? Do I dominate or direct service or accept authority? And what about the variations within that spectrum? We've had to share very personal experiences in our past relationships and family of origin issues as well as our individual fears and doubts and shortcomings. It has been a tremendous period of bonding and intimacy, but hardly subjects that can be shared with an anonymous audience on the worldwide web. I will attempt to discuss some of the issues we've found in the book and on discussion groups as well as with our friends. I'll keep it intellectual and guard her emotional privacy with more fierceness than I protect my own. However, I feel it is important to continue my blabberings on the issues in my life with the friends and readers I know visit this journal. I'll post more and work on finding the distance necessary.
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