I am going to start filtering some of my more private musings. Since blogger does not have a tool for that, you will need to visit my Live Journal and ask to be friended there. I will continue to post Daily Gratitude and other subjects here. There is also a FAQ for my Journal at the same link.
| Saturday, August 03, 2002 @ 14:35 The Sadist is coming into her own with this boi. I've played on the edge of it for a few years now. Thinking, fantasizing, feeling a growing need to inflict pain -- mental and emotional as well as physical. Mostly I let it feed through my voyeur...watching other people play and always feeling a bit disappointed when they stopped....or watching torture scenes in movies and tv shows and thinking how lovely it would be to have the lattitude of a serial killer or interogator. The few times I've had people to beat in person, I've kept the Sadist tightly in check, hyperaware of limits and tolerances --I'd push, but only a little bit....giving the Sadist a tiny taste of pain to keep Her alive. Now I own a masochist -- a painslut who also thrives on fear......I love the look in her eyes that says "i can't believe you'd do this to me!" and the "you won't really take me *there* will you?"....she has surrendered control....there are no safewords.....yet there are no restraints to keep her there......she endures the pain because she craves it as much as I do. This is an experienced bottom who has chosen this path of pain with me, and chosen out of joy and love, not desperation. With our combined desire, I walk closer to the real edge than I've allowed myself in the past. How long can I stay on that edge without falling over? I don't know, but I'm enjoying the ride. We had a discussion the other day about the fact that she keeps weapons by the bed, a sword and a knife, that if I ever fell off the edge and she felt her safety was at risk, she knew how to use them. I pointed out to her that I try to forget those are there, to block it out of my mind. If I'm conscious of them being there, I will be able to do a lot more damage a lot faster to her on the other side of the edge than I can with the flogger or wooden spoon or small plastic canes I keep at bedside. (of course, teeth and finger nails can do a lot of damage as well). She is reconsidering having them so easily in my reach. She understands the Sadist has no morals or ethics. Once over the edge, I may or may not be coherent enough to remember this slave is my responsibility -- not a toy to be used up, but loved and enjoyed for years to come. If I came out the other side and discover I've caused significant or permanent damage, I may not be able to handle that knowledge. However, if I can keep the fine control and push the pain without hitting the realm of damage, the intensity will be more than we can imagine -- and we have already imagined, and experienced, a lot together. Goddess help us if her feral masochist should ever bring out my Sadist beast and neither of us has the control to reign in the other....Or if my Sadist goes over the edge when she's restrained and unable to defend herself.......which may, actually, be another reason I'm resisting putting her in restraints when we play. I trust her ability to pull me back -- or at least to get away and save herself.
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