I am going to start filtering some of my more private musings. Since blogger does not have a tool for that, you will need to visit my Live Journal and ask to be friended there. I will continue to post Daily Gratitude and other subjects here. There is also a FAQ for my Journal at the same link.
| Monday, September 16, 2002 @ 07:10 I haven't been online since Saturday morning, or maybe it was late afternoon. It was only for a few minutes to download e-mail and ask friends if they were attending the play party that night. Yesterday was spent shopping with my boi. We both hate it, but at least we had each other to help us survive it. My life, even my immediate living environment, has changed so much in the last three months. At first we spent a lot of time together -- and I hadn't had anyone I was playing with sleep over since moving to this apartment -- but she wasn't living here. The illusion was that I could always tell her to spend a night at home and, with a handful of exceptions, she didn't have any of her stuff here. Now our stuff is merging. Not just having our things in the same room or shelving unit, but our clothes are together in the closet, our stuffed animals intermingle on the top of the entertainment center, our dvds, cds, and cassettes share shelves as do some of our books and videos. We now have two pieces of furniture that are "ours" and not hers or mine. And a stuffed bear we couldn't resist buying at Safeway last week. For the longest time I have wanted a slave. I spent hours picturing what that relationship would be and what type of woman would be mine. While the dynamic is what I expected, and even the mundane daily chores are in line with what I imagined, there are many things that are different. The reason for that difference isn't that I was naive. They are a result of my boi being a very different person than I sought. Yes, we are highly compatible in spirituality, popular culture and literary interests, intelligence and sense of humour, and, of course, views about SM and ownership. However, she is a boi and while I found transgendered individuals attractive, I didn't imagine I would be in a 24/7 relationship with one. I also didn't picture someone with the level of experience that my boi has. Given that a lot of that experience was bad, she has issues to address and we spend time reminding her that I am not like the dommes from her past. Her particular personal conditions were not ones I predicted either. This does not make her incompatible or unattractive. It simply means that I have to learn how to live with these responsibilities. I do consider her my responsibility. I accepted ownership of her -- and that includes her health, financial, and emotional issues. I do this willingly and without any resentment or sense of burden. I make allowances at times for her immediate ability to perform a task or obey an order. While some might argue that I am letting her "get away" with something, we both know that I am making a conscious choice in that moment to put her long-term health ahead of my momentary whim. The choice is mine, not hers. I am the final authority in our life. Yes, I let her make decisions. Yes, I let her nap instead of cleaning the apartment when she's exhausted. Yes, I choose to have her sleep in my bed rather than on the floor. *I* choose. It is not her choice and if I chose differently, we both know she would obey. In these early months I am making lots of choices that seem to favor her needs and desires more than mine, but that is a surface observation. I am doing what I feel is best for my slave and my relationship. I am learning this unique and wonderous individual who has chosen to be in my life and serve me. Given the complexity of her personality and circumstances and of mine, mixing the two lives isn't something to understand overnight..or even in a few months. We skipped the dating process and went through negotiations at warp speed. While we know the core parts of each other, we still aren't used to each other. It has been years since she lived with someone and longer since she was collared, let alone a consensual slave. I have not lived with someone in this lifetime and not owned a 24/7 slave. We are learning each other and I am using that knowledge to slowly form our life together. I make the choices and hold the authority. This is the life I wanted and I am eternally grateful for this abundance.
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