I am going to start filtering some of my more private musings. Since blogger does not have a tool for that, you will need to visit my Live Journal and ask to be friended there. I will continue to post Daily Gratitude and other subjects here. There is also a FAQ for my Journal at the same link.
| Saturday, December 07, 2002 @ 11:11 Here is the more I promised yesterday. I wrote it offline and didn't get around to posting it til today: Friday, December 6, 2002 -- off-line journal I have creative urges that I’ve avoided pursuing. In those hundreds of pages of horridly bad fiction that I wrote in and after college, are characters who answered the urges I resisted: sculptors, architects, painters, musicians….writers. In this spate of unemployment I’ve had lots of time to think about the unexplored arts. My boi has had the courage to live her art: as a poet, as a performance artist…soon as a drag king and competitor in the SM lifestyle community. I’m more than a little envious of the ambition and discipline that drives her. I don’t resent that we spent weeks developing her latest book and her new website, going to readings and making the connections in her community that she craves. I’m proud of the site and the book and the appearance she taped for public access television. It just makes me wonder if I’ll ever find the spark that will take my urges into the realm of actual art. I believe the Goddess has a plan for me. I have certain talents and urges that are, so far, unfocused. Am I having so much trouble finding a "day job" because it’s time for me to focus those artistic energies? I applied for a few part-time jobs because, frankly, finances are getting desperate and any income is good at this point. However, if I had a part-time job, I would have time to develop my own art as well as help my boi establish her career. I can work part-time if the boi works full-time because we’d have a combined income that would meet our expenses and allow a little savings. But if the boi is working full-time, she has less time for her art and she has issues left from past relationships about power balances and financial responsibility. If I have a full-time job (Goddess permitting) how do I pursue my art and still have time to support hers? And if we end up both working full-time, we’d see very little of each other as her field tends towards evenings and night shifts, including weekends – leaving little time for either of us to create, let alone time to create together. And that’s just the start of the calculations filling my head the last few weeks. It’s quite frustrating for me to know I’m a creative person and envision an artistic life for myself when I’m facing this huge wall of inertia. Finances and support aside, I don’t have clear inspiration or direction. Do I continue cutting up magazines and brochures and mailers in the hope that eventually I’ll paste them into interesting collages? Do I overcome the paradox of longing and fear that hits me whenever I look at the clay we bought when we really couldn’t afford it? Do I give in to the urge that hits me whenever I see my boi’s box of crayolas? Do I discipline myself into writing every day until stories form themselves on the page? Or do I continue to kill time playing computer solitaire games, minesweeper, and finishing off the latest issue of Games, World of Puzzles – in between taking naps and watching television. Diversion and procrastination are amazing tools. I trust that the Goddess put my boi in my life for a multitude of reasons. Since she arrived, those creative urges continue to increase in frequency and intensity. When will I reach critical mass and how do I shut up all the noise in my head about it?
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