I am going to start filtering some of my more private musings. Since blogger does not have a tool for that, you will need to visit my Live Journal and ask to be friended there. I will continue to post Daily Gratitude and other subjects here. There is also a FAQ for my Journal at the same link.
Balancing Sadist with Master (4th entry today -- long!)
| Saturday, July 26, 2003 @ 20:00 Last night the sadist in me came out stronger than it ever has in public space. (I define public space as that which I have little to say about the guest list. A party I throw or that I choose to attend, knowing the guestlist in advance, is semi-public. private space is between me and slave boy and occasionally friends who are participating in a scene in a private home.) I work so hard to temper the sadist in me, to prevent the serial killer lurking inside from having her way, to keep at bay the primal animal who wants to rend skin and drink blood. Sometimes that's very difficult at home and I choose not to take those risks in public. My slave refers to me as "Master" not because I am a Master of the leather lifestyle, of any specific bdsm act, but because I master myself and him. The master inside of me is the one who puts the long-term well-being of the dynamic and boy's health, both physical and mental, ahead of any immediate desire or whim. I do not want to break a slave I hope to have serve me for decades. It is master who keeps the sadist, the bitch, the greedy girl -- all the parts of me that desire immediate gratificiation -- from going wild. There are times when I want, and get, immediate gratification, otherwise what's the point of owning a slave? However, there are times when getting what I want in that moment would interfere with boy's future ability to serve. It is up to the master to make those determinations and have the will to enforce it, whether that enforcement is compelling boy to obey, or sadist to back off. (I'm sure this reads like multiple personality disorder. I know three MPDs fairly well, so I know it's not the same as having internal personalities. Sadist, Master, Bitch, etc., are different elements of myself, not separate identities. I think most people experience different urges and impulse that they attribute to specific parts of themselves. Giving these elments names makes it easier to write about.) Another time I'll write about my slave being in Daddy space rather than boy headspace. No matter what space he's in, his name is boy. Just know that for most of last night he was in slave Daddy space, even though I refer to him as boy in this entry. Given that last night was the anniversary of boy's surrender to me and that there was the potential for disruptive energy in the play space, Master was hyperaware of the responsibility I hold to protect and preserve boy's health and the health of our M/s dynamic. When we arrived at the dungeon and I saw that the few people who could have interfered with our headspace weren't present, Sadist got even more excited at the possibilities of play. I had in mind that I wanted to do two scenes. Generally that is our pattern at parties: two scenes with conversation, eating, maybe playing with others the rest of the evening. Usually I take a lot of implements because I don't know for sure what I plan to do, other than inflict pain. The first scene I wanted to do was clothespins. I put boy on a bondage table and just started putting the pins all over. I had teased him the day before that since we were marking a year together, I could go for 365 clothespins. Even if I'd had that many, boy doesn't have enough skin to hold that many on one side and probably isn't ready for the intensity of taking clothespins standing up. However, sadist was so ready, so strong, that I miscalculated boy's status. After the first dozen or so were on, he reported he was having trouble processing the pain, since I did no sort of warm up of the skin and wasn't taking enough breathing time between pins for him to handle the intensity. Master came out at that point and was very present for the rest of the scene. I gave boy time to breathe and prepare for the rest of the scene before proceeding. Sadist didn't retreat, though. At one point I forced boy to look me in the eye, to see how sadistic I was -- that I was taking great pleasure in how much pain I was causing. And I caused a lot more. When the 70+ pins came out it was hard for Master to keep Sadist in line. I wanted to rip them all off without waiting. I wanted to hit them off with an implement even though I knew that the humidity in the room would make them stick to his skin and possibly damage him. Master had to give boy time to breathe and focus so that we could get all of them off with pain, but no damage....and so that boy wouldn't come at me swinging. (check out his journal to read his account of the adrenaline reaction he experienced during the scene.) During our second scene, the balance issues were raised again. I was having trouble with my flogger swing due to lack of sleep or the fact that I'd been sick for two weeks. Sadist didn't care and just wanted to wail away with the nasty rubber floggers for awhile. Master had to overcome that urge and switch to implements that I could control. Sadist was placated by the fact that there was still a lot of pain being inflicted and that boy has nasty bruises to look at today. I didn't have the urge to rend flesh, but I did have a few moment of wanting to move on to breath play and see just how long I could strangle him without killing him. Managed to suppress that, but I know the energy was there. When we got home and I was experiencing my second bout of top drop, I realized that part of the intensity of the evening was how much of the sadist was out in public. boy asked if I was okay with that fact. I was more surprised that I let it out that far. I felt we were in safe space, surrounded by most of the women we trust in the community and others with fairly good energy. I didn't feel any risk that people would be worried I was losing control and interfere with my scene (which has happened with previous bottoms when sadist wasn't nearly as strong). If there are any consequences, I'm sure master can handle them, knowing I have a happy, and horny, boy as a result of the pain and energy last night. Maybe I'll write another time about how boy is developing as a match for this sadist. When we first got together, he was worried about his ability to take pain, and still is. I think he's coming along wonderfully, but this entry is long enough without going into that subject.
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