I am going to start filtering some of my more private musings. Since blogger does not have a tool for that, you will need to visit my Live Journal and ask to be friended there. I will continue to post Daily Gratitude and other subjects here. There is also a FAQ for my Journal at the same link.
more intense SM (2nd post today)
| Sunday, August 03, 2003 @ 15:18 written last night ( Saturday, August 2nd @7:05 pm) while waiting for the Southwest LeatherSIR & Leatherboy contest to begin I am a sadist. It took me a long time to come to terms with that label and learn to wear it proudly. It's taken me longer to feel strong enough to move closer to the line with the confidence that I won't cross it. Being a responsible sadist means owning the urges I have to destroy -- to hurt, mark, bruise, break, maim, torture, even kill. If I denied those urges, I wouldn't be aware of the line that can't be crossed. I must be aware of it at all times -- and my relative distance to it. Boy surrenders during pain. He would follow me wherever I chose to go. I know that part of him is mindful of self-preservation, but I also know that when he transcends daily consciousness to a plane of breath and light and servicing the sadist, he isn't necessarily capable of monitoring his status. Then it becomes even more important that I am capable of keeping myself on this side of the line. Recently he's worried that he is becoming a wuss. Our pain sessions don't last as long as they used to. He can't take as many hits without crying out or triggering a fight or flight response. He worries that he's letting me down -- that the sadist isn't getting fed enough and I'm left frustrated. Hardly. What he's having trouble gauging from his end is that he's actually taking more than he used to, not less. After a year of beating and studying boy, I am approaching an instinctual understanding of his abilities to process and transcend pain. (I don't rely on past responses entirely, because status changes due to stress, hormones, weather, etc., but I have a definite baseline in my head.) I trust my knowledge of him and myself and, therefore, am able to push further than I could with someone I just met. And, more importantly, he's capable of going further than he could a year ago, though the change has been so gradual, he missed the signs. So where's the proof he's taking more? Less or no warmup, depending on the chosen implement. Harder impact on individual strokes. Stronger energy pushing against him -- the intent to f*** him up going in front of me so that, recently, he's backed away from me before I've even put him in position. Less opportunity for him to transcend the pain (achieved by keeping him in the adrenaline response and preventing the endorphins from kicking in). Reduced or no breathing space between pain for him to recover from individual strokes (or clamps or whatever) before the next one hits. Basically, faster, stronger, and much more intense pain sensations and energy. And, somehow, he has translated this into being a wuss....perhaps because he knows my sadist can go much further than that and he wants to give me more. But, for now, the sadist is happy with what I'm dishing out, and how we're slowly moving closer and closer to that line.
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