I am going to start filtering some of my more private musings. Since blogger does not have a tool for that, you will need to visit my Live Journal and ask to be friended there. I will continue to post Daily Gratitude and other subjects here. There is also a FAQ for my Journal at the same link.
dealing
| Tuesday, October 28, 2003 @ 06:37 I feel guilty about the lack of posts here and on my other blogs. My mind is just a jumble right now and it's hard to organize my thoughts into anything resembling coherence. It's times like this that make me glad my job requires minimal thought. My sister was diagnosed with a neuromuscular disease at age three and my parents were told she wouldn't live past adolescence. She is now thirty and doesn't know if she's live to see thirty-one. She had several hospital scares this past summer involving her lungs and heart. Months of tests concluded what we feared: there is nothing the doctors can do other than make her remaining time comfortable. When both the heart and lungs are breaking down, you can't regenerate the process -- you can't even stop it when it's disease-driven like this. With a practically non-existent immune system, one cold/flu cold turn to pnemonia and the weakened lungs & heart would collapse. Could take a year or more; could happen tomorrow. A few weeks ago she made the request that boy and I come to KS for Xmas. She knows neither of us celebrate Christian holidays, but she wants her family together for what she is certain will be her last Xmas. Basically, she's preparing for death after stubbornly fighting it almost her entire life. And if there weren't issues of money and temperature (winter in KS requires much heavier clothing than winter in AZ), there's the problem of attempting to plan anything at all. If we sink $700 of borrowed money into plane tickets for Xmas and she dies before that, what do we do? Or if we make it for Xmas and she dies a month later and we have no money to get home for a funeral? I have the advantage of bereavement leave and two bosses who have already committed to helping me whatever way possible, but what about boy? Once his hands are healed, he'll most likely be working in a kitchen and not eligible for vacation let alone bereavement leave for a female life partner. So I struggle with these decisions and the need to find some sort of support group for anticipatory grief. boy commented before we fell asleep last night that I'm doing better now than I was the past few weeks. It's very fragile though. And with work stresses, relationship issues, my own health problems....it's been a tough month. I'm dealing and finding my stength. It's just been difficult to try to post on anything when most thoughts get lost in the jumble fairly quickly after initial formation.
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