I am going to start filtering some of my more private musings. Since blogger does not have a tool for that, you will need to visit my Live Journal and ask to be friended there. I will continue to post Daily Gratitude and other subjects here. There is also a FAQ for my Journal at the same link.
weekend
| Monday, October 06, 2003 @ 06:54 I'm very drained, but focused. After a usual day of shopping and catching up on videos (we used to tape "Highlander" every day and then watch them together on weekends; now it's "Angel"), on Saturday, yesterday turned everything on its ear. I haven't been content in a long time. I know I'm happy sharing my life with boy. I have a nice home, wonderful feline companions, friends, a family who actually loves me unconditionally, and boy. With all these things to make me happy, why have I been so discontented and even depressed? I finally figured out it has less to do with my job and my sister's prognosis and more to do with the choices I've been making as Master. I sat boy down and we had a long talk. We stayed grounded: no external blame or anger and no hysterical emotions. I was very clear that I do not blame him for the choices I make and I don't resent him for the things I've given him while denying myself. He shared that he's had concerns on my behalf for quite some time, but couldn't do anything until I said something -- and I couldn't say anything until I figure out exactly what was bubbling under the surface. It was a difficult, but productive talk. Instead of going to the local "Rainbows festival" as planned (we attended the first one together last year), I went out alone to take some "me time." It was the healthy choice and I plan to make more healthy choices going forward. I was able to purchase a few books to help my spiritual journey and some yarn and new patterns for crocheting. After I messed up the movie times for "Underworld" we came back home for naps and tv and then went out for yummy desserts and good piano music and more conversation on what I planned to do with this week and going forward. I know I'm skimming over the surface. What I realized yesterday was a Very Big Thing and I'm still processing the advice boy gave me as well as the revelations I came to on my own. I have plans in my head that I'd been developing over the last few weeks and I'm reassessing them in the light of these new insights. Thoughts don't always fall easily into words or paragraphs. Yesterday was a turning point and I wanted to acknowledge that here -- however incoherently.
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