I am going to start filtering some of my more private musings. Since blogger does not have a tool for that, you will need to visit my Live Journal and ask to be friended there. I will continue to post Daily Gratitude and other subjects here. There is also a FAQ for my Journal at the same link.
regrouping
| Thursday, February 12, 2004 @ 19:37 I didn't finish transcribing the stuff I wrote at work last week because it was too stressful. I wrote a huge journal entry on Sunday to replace it, but, as you can tell, didn't post it here. I let boy read it, but it was much too personal and raw to share with the web. The short version is that I was incredibly overwhelmed by a variety of stresses and hitting rock bottom. Friday was so stressful at work that I wanted to walk out. In all the jobs I've had in my life, I've never felt that way. By the time I got home from work, I was so fragile, I couldn't interact with boy. And that sucked because I knew he'd be working 12+ hour shifts the next three days, so we wouldn't get time together. He worked all day Saturday and Sunday, which gave me two whole days to myself. I did some cleaning. I tended to my hair, I did a bit of necessary shopping, and I spent time processing the stress and getting to the core issues -- and working at a plan to resolve them. Monday boy still had to be at work early, so I took the bus and then began implementing my plan to deal with the stress there. Monday night boy presented at APEX on "Power Bottoms." He wrote about the presentation on his journal, so I won't go into details. I'll just say I'm quite proud of him. I went to the doctor yesterday -- the first time I've seen one since high school (except the podiatrist, but that's like seeing the optometrist, so I don't count it). I was very stressed, but I tried to keep it under control. I think I'm going to like this woman. She made me feel at ease and spoke at my level. We discussed my history and symptoms I've had recently. She explained why she ordered the labwork she ordered and that there are multiple possible causes for my symptoms, so I shouldn't be anxious. I felt she made an effort to connect with me and to give me the information I need, rather than cryptic orders or medical jargon. Seeing a doctor is a good thing. Right? Tonight boy is at the PBoL meeting making plans for fundraisers and events. We're starting to have a lot more scheduling conflicts. Being members of five separate groups, it's inevitable. I have set one group as first priority and put my foot down about boy running for office in any of the groups. But the other priorities aren't as clear and I sometimes struggle to chose between two simultaneous events. On top of that, I see a few new opportunities glimmering on the horizon, but I'm not sure which things I'm willing to let go in order to make room for the new. I'm taking some time this weekend to begin to identify the path I want for us in the greater community. During those two days last weekend I spent time looking at our M/s dynamic and the way my household has been running. I wasn't happy with the result, but I am confident (now) that I can implement the changes necessary to get it on the track I desire. I'm introducing new rules and protocols as well as resuming some that were put on hold while boy was injured and unable to do certain things. I'm changing the household responsibilities and addressing some issues I have with motivation and intent. It won't happen overnight, but I feel it is imperative to get us back on the path I envisioned before the injuries and crises of last year slowed us down. In talking to boy about my offline journal entry and his presentations, I've rediscovered some of the balance I'd lost. I was able to see the changes he's experienced in our time together and just how deeply I've affected his life and his outlook. These are subtle things that aren't always visible to me and recognizing those successes was important for us both. We can build on that foundation to move us forward in our relationship and in the world.
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