I am going to start filtering some of my more private musings. Since blogger does not have a tool for that, you will need to visit my Live Journal and ask to be friended there. I will continue to post Daily Gratitude and other subjects here. There is also a FAQ for my Journal at the same link.
aftershocks
| Sunday, August 29, 2004 @ 11:38 To get the easy part out of the way: I have started a log of the steps I'm taking regarding "shedding" in my life. It appears on my Spirituality Journal. As for my cutting my hair. I had told boy that if more than five people told me "it's cute" on Monday I would scream. Between work and the Monday night APEX meeting, I figured there was a real danger of that. I was wrong. Only one person said that. In fact, only four people noticed without it being brought to their attention first. And only one other person at work noticed it -- and that wasn't until Wednesday. My conclusion is that since I wore my hair in a knot 95% of the time, most people weren't aware of how long it used to be. I did get two shocked opinions over the phone, one from my mom and one from Caliann -- "You did WHAT?!?!" So it was sort of a letdown overall. Last night I hit a very painful block and it completely confused me. It wasn't obviously triggered by anything and it wasn't a case of me *wanting* to block out boy. It also wasn't about thinking I'd lost the connection between us. I knew it was there and as strong as ever, but I couldn't *feel* it. It was frustrating and scary. I ended up crying while boy held me until I was able to form words. We had a long talk and eliminated some possible sources. I worked on not saying "I don't know" because that itself is just another blocking tool. Ultimately I realized that it has to do with cutting my hair. Here was this major change in my life and so few people noticed. And those that did, didn't think it was a life-altering event. The very mantra that I was using to reassure myself was actually invalidating my emotional response: "it's only hair" equates to "it shouldn't matter." The times during the week that I started to feel the overwhelming depth of what I'd done, I would use the mantra and repress my feelings. By the end of the week, I was almost cut off from any connection with boy or even myself. As I wrote last week, my hair was something of an armor. In 15 years I had also come to see it as my one outstanding trait. I know that I have other attractive features, but my hair was the big one. The most noticeable. The one I used to identify myself when meeting people -- "look for the person wearing X with the long, dark hair." There are people out there with hair fetishes and several of them made it clear they wanted to play with mine. Hell, I've had total strangers in parking lots and malls comment on my hair and want to touch it. I'm sure part of the reason I started wearing it up even when it wasn't hot was so that I wouldn't attract that type. So if I didn't want to be known for my hair, why do I feel so berefit without it? Intellectually I know I have not lost my attractiveness to boy or other important people in my life. I don't need hair to protect me from the world and I didn't feel that my dominance or mastery or sadism was tied up in how long my hair is or isn't. All my internal strengths and talents are intact and, perhaps, will be more visible to those who will no longer be distracted by the hair. I guess I need to mourn. I need to give myself permission to consider all these factors and feel sadness that something that was so much a part of me is now gone. Yes, I chose to remove it from my life. Yes, I may choose to grow it out again. Neither of those factors change the fact that, right now, there is no hair falling all the way down my back. Nor does the fact that there are very positive aspects to having this shorter hair (like no headaches, shorter drying time, and easier brushing/care) make me miss the length any less. They are two separate realities. I can enjoy the shorter hair AND miss the long. It was not "just" hair. I have to find a way to honor and release those feelings.
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