I am going to start filtering some of my more private musings. Since blogger does not have a tool for that, you will need to visit my Live Journal and ask to be friended there. I will continue to post Daily Gratitude and other subjects here. There is also a FAQ for my Journal at the same link.
the effects of work
| Sunday, September 26, 2004 @ 14:21 I'm having a difficult time adjusting to boy's work schedule. It was hard in the beginning and then I had my week of vacation which made it easier. Now that I'm back working and he's working, it's causing quite a bit of stress. We have very little time together when both of us are functioning at even 80% focus. boy is having trouble getting his weekly chores handled in the hours he has available. I am failing to get my own chores done due to lethargy produced by work (more on that in a bit). The result is the house is a mess and little is getting accomplished in 1) my shedding project or 2) expansion of the M/s dynamic. In fact, I feel that things are worse are moving backwards in both areas. Although I am excited about boy's new job being better suited for him, I have quite a bit of trepidation about the increased hours further eroding his slavehood. I am remaining open to the experience and allowing for the fact that fulfilling work in a healthier environment may actually help him focus when he is home. I also know that there will be less negativity following him back to the apartment each day and less dread when he wakes in the morning. These are good things and this job may turn out to be very positive for my household. I will have to wait and see. My job isn't proving good for the household at all. However, I like these people more than any previous job and I have good benefits and pretty good pay, given my lack of career direction in my life. I only expected to work at this job a few years and then move on to something else. However, since I don't know where I want to go, I can't start looking. The main problem with work is that there isn't any. I sit in the office with little to do (even though I'm officially doing two jobs right now!) all day. Everyone else in the office is in the same boat. We're all sitting around wondering how long business can be this slow before the home office decides to close our branch - or sell us off to some other bank. On top of that, one of my co-workers has a very sick child. He was born premature and has spent most of his short life in the hospital. His latest stay has now been for over two weeks and the drs can't guarantee anything. She hasn't been to work since Monday. Everyone is worried for her as much as him and we just don't know what's going to happen. When one person can be on a three-week vacation, one is at the hospital with a sick child, and a third quit two weeks ago and the office is *still* overstaffed, you can't help but worry. I'm seeing this as an exercise in focus. I concentrate on each task as I do it and try not to think long-term. I bring books and puzzle magazines to fill my day since they blocked access to "fun" websites. I wish I could access e-mail or work on my websites or do something productive from home, but it's not possible. Hell, even if the sites weren't blocked, I wouldn't risk accessing M/s or SM related accounts from my place of work. The real problem is that I'm bringing this sense of uselessness home with me. After spending eight hours doing little or nothing, it's difficult to motivate myself to accomplish anything at home. After expending so much energy trying to look busy and getting less sleep at night (as late as boy gets home), I'm tired and end up either vegetating in front of the tv or actually sleeping. I'm not keeping up with e-mail. I'm not getting my website converted, I'm not keeping up with filing or progressing on my shedding project. While financially it's nice to get paid a decent wage to do next to no work, mentally and spiritually it messes up my wiring. I have to find a way to overcome this. I want to be firmer with boy to improve his ability to set and follow priorities. When I'm not setting a good example, why should he bother? If I'm working 40 hrs a week doing little actual work and still can't get things done, why should he be expected to when he's working 45-50 hrs at a physically demanding job? Yes, I expect my slave to do the more physically demanding work in the household. That is so that I can have my time freed up to devote to the goals I have set for myself and for the household. Why should he bust his butt keeping the house spotless if I'm just sleeping, vegging, and creating more clutter? This is not how I want to live my life and I have to find a way out of this mental trap -- preferrably one that doesn't involve quitting my current job for another six-twelve months. My goal for this week will be to clean the mental clutter that is blocking me from action in my daily life. Maybe I'll get some books from the library on organizing and planning and use the extra hours at the office to get on track.
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