I am going to start filtering some of my more private musings. Since blogger does not have a tool for that, you will need to visit my Live Journal and ask to be friended there. I will continue to post Daily Gratitude and other subjects here. There is also a FAQ for my Journal at the same link.
stumped
| Sunday, September 19, 2004 @ 19:13 My 36th birthday is soon. I don't share the date with many people because I don't believe that it is a day to celebrate. Some years, it may be that I transformed myself and my life and deserve to mark that milestone. Other years, there is a different day that serves as a more appropriate observation of my progress in life. This has been a contentious subject with my family for years, and with boy since we got together. This year I have given boy permission to buy me a present. For the first time since we got together, I am giving him one of his paychecks to spend as he chooses (as long as he doesn't waste it on useless items such as junk food, cigarettes, etc.). I also gave him permission to spend some of it on me, if he chooses. That was a huge step for me and I figured it would be the end of my participation. Then boy asks me what I want for my "special day." (Mom started calling it that years ago because she absolutely insists on sending me a present every year, but she wants to acknowledge that I don't like "birthday"s.) I honestly didn't know what to tell him. I'm going through this shedding phase and, although I have spent money the past few weeks buying some CDs and books for my spiritual growth, I can't think of anything I *want* that is in his price range. (I want all the seasons of "DS9" on DVD, but they are $100+ per season and we are buying them together.) I don't want more stuff to clutter up my house. I came up with a few suggestions, and have come up with another since he's been at work today, but it is very difficult to say that there is something I *want* that he, or anyone, could buy me. Years ago, people would ask me what I wanted for my birthday or Xmas and I would say "nothing really" but I actually had a long list of things that, if they persisted, would be given to them. It was one of those games that we are taught to play. We're not supposed to want something, let alone expect it and ask for it. Our family/friends/lovers are supposed to know us so well that they don't need to ask. It's supposed to be the thought that counts and not that they give us what we want. boy and I don't play games like that. We try not to play games with each other at all. I think we do a very good job at "keeping it real" in our relationship. When I told him "I don't know," I meant it. When I came up with a list, it was half-hearted. While I would probably enjoy anything he gives me from the list, I don't *want* it the way I used to want things. I'm really not sure if there's a point to this post. It's more just a releasing of the thoughts that have been going through my head the past few days. I have issues with the concept of celebrating birthdays. I certainly have a lot of confusion regarding gifts at this time when I'm seriously working on shedding (even though I didn't make much physical progress in the last week, I've made mental notes/plans). I'm even a little uneasy at the thought that this is only the second time in my life that a slave of mine is buying me a present. Add to that the fact that boy is the only lover/slave/partner that I've lived with, making this the first time I'll receive a present from someone so close to me.....it's really all overwhelming when I feel it could be simple. I'll just have to figure out how to make it simple.
Comments:
I know what you mean when you say "what I wanted for my birthday or Xmas and I would say "nothing really" but I actually had a long list of things that". I know exactly coz I have gone thru it too. Hey, even if you aren't too keen - here is an anonymous birthday wish in advance. and hope you have a great day and a wonderful year and a lovely life with your boy. Karen@kinkyindia
# posted by
 : 12:26 AM
Thanks for the b-day wish. I have no desire to devalue those that consider my bday important. I feel honored that others want to recognize the day. And I do appreciate your comments :)
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