I am going to start filtering some of my more private musings. Since blogger does not have a tool for that, you will need to visit my Live Journal and ask to be friended there. I will continue to post Daily Gratitude and other subjects here. There is also a FAQ for my Journal at the same link.
Is downsized still the preferred doublespeak?
| Tuesday, March 29, 2005 @ 06:45 The work week that started with my beloved Baby Cat's death, ended with my job being eliminated due to an impending buyout of the company. I was called into my manager's office mid-morning on Friday and informed via conference call with our corporate HR. It's a really nice severance package and my supervisor was nice enough to drive me home since boy had the car. I wasn't allowed to see anyone immediately (my manager had taken them into another office to inform them), but I'm welcome to visit. My managers seemed to be taking it harder than I was. I had not only accepted this was a possibility for over a year, I had actually considered that it would be a good thing to happen. So, really, I can only be so upset over something I manifested myself. I truly believe that we make our own destiny -- either through active, conscious direction of energy or through passive acceptance of what the world throw at us. Do I want to accept responsibility for Baby Cat's death? No. However, I know that my thoughts and energy contributed to his illness and passing. When it first became clear last year that the merger might lead to some offices being closed or downsized, I realized that while everyone else was fearful of this, it might be a good thing for me. Between what I imagined my severance to be and the fact that I'd be eligible for unemployment, it seemed the ideal way to get me out of this dreadful job and give me the space to figure out what I should be doing with my working life. Over the months of up and down forecasts for the company, I repeated this belief to boy a few times and to myself much more frequently. With Baby Cat's illness and the renewal energies of spring, I had been feeling very restless of late. Some of it may have been cabin fever from being sick so long myself, but I knew it was deeper than that. boy and I had several conversations in the previous 7-10 days about my urge to pick up and go nomad and the feeling that even my illness was preparing me for some major transformations in my life. We discussed whether this would be a spiritually-driven change to my physical body or a more mundane alteration to the patterns of our life. I remember sitting in the car while boy was at the bank (right after dropping off BC's body to be cremated) and thinking how wrong it is for people to be trapped in an 8-5, 5 days, 50 weeks work-prison. I remember explaining weeks earlier that with downsizing, outsourcing, and automation, it is not our ability to be trained that will keep us productive and employed in this changing society, but our ability to think and create (we're screwing entire classes and countries by selling them the "success" path that is based on what you know instead of how you think). I've waged war with myself between the practicality of having bills to pay and the knowing-ness that I don't want my life to be ruled by money -- especially if it makes me support a system that I believe to be evil. I could ramble for hours. I think it's clear that something had to change and that I didn't just expect change; I sought it with open mind and energy. I had felt myself pulled to artistic endeavors in the past six weeks -- I'd started reading more about writing and joined a number of discussion groups for writers (which I immediately fell behind on due to being too sick to sit at a computer). I'd also picked up on the urge to create collage. I'd checked out a few library books on technique and had done a sample tissue paper on glass project as practice for a large piece I want to create for our living room. I now have time-room in my life and mental space to devote to these pursuits. Over the weekend I acquired quite a few tools and even more ideas for both arts. I'm looking forward to spending some time exploring my creative energies over the next few weeks while I take a "vacation" from the work world. It's not a rationalization to say that I feel freer. Yes, there is grief about losing Baby Cat after 12 years together. Yes, there is loss of habit and some really good people and some sense of financial security with the job elimination. Yet, I have felt lighter since I woke up on Saturday morning. I have more energy than I've had in years. I have a greater sense of daily motivation and direction. Hell, I've even more motivated to do simple things like rinse dishes and put them in the dish washer as I use them. I want my house and my life to be clear and focused and by "losing" my sweet cat and my job, I've got the breathing room to make it happen. Yes, I'll have to find a solution to the financial issues, but just as I know I'll always have memories of BC to return to in my mind and heart, I trust that the universe provides what we need when we need it. As always, the day-to-day details of the above events can be found on my vanilla journal Virgo Musings.
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