I am going to start filtering some of my more private musings. Since blogger does not have a tool for that, you will need to visit my Live Journal and ask to be friended there. I will continue to post Daily Gratitude and other subjects here. There is also a FAQ for my Journal at the same link.
resolved
| Monday, May 30, 2005 @ 09:01 boy managed to break through his block in the last few weeks. he's not writing any new pieces, but he's dedicated himself to publishing his existing books. he's spent hours learning to use Cafe Press's on-demand publishing, including many, many hours spent converting Myth of the One from Publisher to .pdf format. Once that's available online, he plans to work on getting it reviewed and press releases sent out to increase visibility and actually sell some copies. he has two other books and several marketing items he wants to set up on Cafe Press as well, but that would require a business account, so we're going to wait to see if he can sell a few books first, then expand. Yesterday, boy pointed out that I'm the one who helped him get past his block and he wanted to return the favor. I have spent months (years really) collecting materials to collage. I've also checked out a lot of books on techniques and ideas since I've been unemployed. Yet, I haven't made a single item. Oops. I did make two items awhile back. One was meant to test a technique (a tissue-paper collage on a glass jar) and the other was a mosaic, not a collage, to make a table usuable that boy wanted to throw out. The issue being that I can't seem to bring myself to just create, even though I have time and energy. I am locked in this friction where I know that going back to the 8 to 5 world in order to pay the bills is antithetical to everything I believe, but I have to do it. boy's argument was that if I'm feeling this friction, I need to exercise things I do believe in -- find ways to create the art I want to create -- and then find ways to generate income using those items and my talents as well as his. If our dreams are to become viable goals, I have to take steps in that direction and stop fantasizing. I took a career assessment last week as part of my outplacement services. My three highest "areas of interest" are Artistic, Literary (tied at nearly 100%) and Musical (at about 85-90%). Visual and performing arts, writing, and music. Imagine that. So I guess it's time to resolve to pursue those interests on a daily basis -- to move them from the realm of fantasy to reality -- to make my dreams into working goals:
I am considering creating a separate online journal to record my progress in these areas, or at least an offline notebook to chart my progress. I'm such a Virgo -- I like to see things checked off on lists and recorded for reference. I do have a private journal for my writing and maybe, someday, I'll make that public. I guess the important thing is to follow these goals and worry about how to share them later. (0) comments
The Right Questions
I posted this on my Spirituality Journal yesterday as it was one of my goals from a previous entry. However, I realized that it's not solely an issue of "spirituality" but applies across my life, so I am posting it here as well.
As I posted on my Journal, every choice matters -- whether it's what to buy at the grocery store or when to apply for a job. Asking ourselves if it's about the future, fulfillment, power, "right" action, growth, empowerment, love, faith, and divinity can lead us to make better choices. I just need to get myself to use these questions throughout my day.
goals
I have been reading The Practical Dreamer's Handbook: Finding the Time, Money, and Energy to Live the Life You Want to Live by Paul & Sarah Edwards. It's mostly things I already know, but seeing it organized with extensive examples of the steps in action has been illuminating. I've skimmed the book once for depth and took notes. That's how I decided I wanted to check it out from the library. Right now, I'm reading it through for meaning and reaction. Ideally, I'll go on to use it as a true handbook: doing the "exercises" and incorporating the tips and advice into creating the life I want for my household. As I read, I'm reminded of all the various goals I have and how do I choose which are important--which are tasks I want to complete, which are dreams I want to create, and which are just fantasies I like to use to pass the time. I'm also becoming more aware of how every choice I make, from something as simple as whether or not to buy ice cream at the grocery store to deciding to put my active job search on hold for two weeks, creates the fabric of my life. While I want to stay focused in each moment as it happens, I also need to be mindful of how the choice of the moment creates the next moment -- or the moment two months from now. Here is a brainstorm of the goals I currently hold. I'm doing this as a personal exercise, so there's no editing or ranking, just free flowing thoughts. (OK, I admit I'll copy edit for spelling and grammar before I post.):
I could, of course, come up with a list twice as long, but I need to take a break from the computer and eat some lunch and perhaps read some more. I plan to use this list in conjunction with The Practical Dreamer's Handbook, my outplacement workshops, and discussions with boy to plan the next phases of my life. It's definitely time to start moving "fantasy" into "dream" so that it can one day become "reality" --whatever *that* word means.
clear mind
I am starting to realize just how much of my life my old job occupied. I thought I was doing a good job of keeping work at work and home at home. I truly did. I wasn't stressing or talking about work all the time. I thought I was doing well. I was wrong. Now that I'm not working, I'm finding that my mind is much clearer. I can actually follow a thread on a discussion group without getting bored. I can actually compose correspondence to friends and acquaintances when I used to dread it. I've started working on the long-promised update of my website (I closed my Unsuspected Depth website last July and vowed to merge it with D M's Realm). I'm working with boy on solutions to some of the tensions in our life and making clear plans for activities, projects, and presentations for us to complete this year. I'm reading books without losing my place. My only conclusion is that that job crowded and clouded my mind. It limited my ability to function because it was so limited in itself. We took some new friends down to Tucson on Monday. Driving, hiking in the desert, sitting around a restaurant table, it was all energizing. I pointed out to boy that I'm afraid of losing this space once I find a new job. I enjoy the ability to participate in online discussions again. I like that we're socializing more and getting to know people better. Here's a synopsis: Saturday -- I spent several hours hanging out with some APEX women at their garage sale Monday -- We went to Tucson with two of the women and then I went to APEX Monday meeting and connected with others even though boy wasn't there with me Wednesday -- boy had his first cooking lesson (who just happens to be someone from my old office and we spent some time chatting prior to the lesson) Thursday -- I called the cooking student this morning to discuss my upcoming yard sale and just to chat. she's supposed to call back today or tomorrow for more chat, since she's on a mini-vacation Friday -- We have a new friend coming over to talk and possibly have a bit of SM play Saturday -- The MAsT meeting has been moved to this afternoon instead of Sunday. I'll be going without boy (since he works) and then we'll either be having friends over for dinner or going to a Arizona Amazons "night out" (unless both are canceled) Those of you that know me know that that is a LOT of activity. I'm usually a homebody. However, I'm thriving on the type of connection I'm making with people now that I'm not being drug down by my job. Yes, I would have had the time to do most of these things even while I was working. I just didn't have the energy or enthusiasm to do so. And I didn't have the clarity to recognize how much the job was hurting me. I have to make sure that whatever employment opportunities arise for me in the coming weeks, I keep in mind the type of work and environment that is going to hinder my life and which kind is going to feed this clarity and energy. I do not want to lose the momentum and focus I'm building for my household goals. I enjoy it and it's good for me and for my slave.
Recognizing limits
I failed to realize that I was limiting my options yet again. With the loss of my job and the generous severance package, I knew I had the opportunity to create a better working life for mysElf. I tried to remain open to non-traditonal options and to hold to the truth that I deserve a healthy, enjoyable, worthwhile job and workplace. I was, however, telling mysElf that I would have to look for jobs within a certain skillset and salary level, based on my previous work experience. I realized this morning that I was doing that -- setting limits for mysElf where I don't want them. It's BS to think I can only work as an Admin Asst and only make the same amount I've made in the past. There is no reason that I can't ask the Universe for a flexible, enjoyable, challenging position in a healthy (physically, emotionally, and spiritually), open work environment at $XXK. I don't have to compromise mysElf. My needs are just as important as that of any employer. My goals for my household deserve the best resources and opportunities. Why should I limit what I ask for simply because society says "you can only expect to make $25K and only do this type of office work?" Society has rarely been honest with me. I don't have to be Xtian. I don't have to be heterosexual. I don't have to be married. I don't have to have children. I don't have to have only one partner. I don't have to live in a egalitarian personal relationship. I don't have to stay in the same neighborhood as my family and live out my life where they lived theirs. I don't have to believe "society" when it tells me what kind of job I'm qualified to look at or what salary I'm going to get -- that will be between mysElf and whatever employer I decide is offering me a worthwhile job experience. If I want to live the way I believe, then I have to remove *all* the limits I've placed on my thinking over the years.
LLC IX Follow up
My Dad came to visit the weekend after LLC IX. That consumed a lot of my time and energy: preparing, hosting, recovering. The last few weeks have been spent shopping for specific items (some successfully, others not), and doing initial research into a job search. I've also spent some time in my head, trying to focus and plan for a number of changes in my M/s life and for projects in the Leather/BDSM community as inspired by LLC. I came out of LLC IX with the connections and momentum to begin formulating a series of presentations. This is something the Universe told me last year I would be doing soon. The subject matter makes boy a bit uneasy, but he accepted that this is the path I see for us. We have taken the intervening months to get used to the idea and look at some of the potential consequences. Recently, boy discussed with his sponsor how this may affect his recovery process. Next week we are having dinner with an M/s couple we trust and respect to discuss our plan with them. I believe they have the experience and insight in the community to advise us on the process and help us anticipate community response both locally and on a larger scale. This is a huge step for us - esp. for me. I haven't done much public speaking since college, well, except for a few meetings and seminars in the pagan and then BDSM communities in Kansas. boy has been in the public much more than I. he's an extrovert and a true performer. I'm a shy, quiet person who has some speaking skills, albeit rusty ones. Becoming a public persona is going to be a growth experience. If this leads to becoming advocates or even activists (which it might) I'll be putting even more of mysElf out in the world. I know it will be one step at a time, but the Virgo perfectionist wants to anticipate every move and every consequence and every reaction to those consequences. There are steps I have to take now, within mysElf, to prepare for this road. I have to work on organizing my thoughts yet trusting my intuition to go off "script" when necessary. I have to prepare mysElf to make deeper connections with people, as we touch our audiences, they will want or even need to connect with us. I have to be ready for the responsibility of directing boy's persona and tending to him in the potentially painful aftermath. I need to open mysElf up to the resources and insights to be offered by the people in our life now and those we will meet along the path. We are doing this as an M/s couple, but we are not doing this in a vacuum. We have a community of love and support behind us and many will survive this crucible. I know this is vague. We're not quite ready to reveal our subject matter. It is very personal to us and may cause some people to remove themselves from our life. I need to work through some of the steps I mentioned above and work with boy on exactly how and where to take this public. I'm sure I'll be putting the specifics here at some point in the coming months.
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