I am going to start filtering some of my more private musings. Since blogger does not have a tool for that, you will need to visit my Live Journal and ask to be friended there. I will continue to post Daily Gratitude and other subjects here. There is also a FAQ for my Journal at the same link.
| Thursday, December 26, 2002 @ 07:18 We didn't turn the computer on at all yesterday. It was a nice, quiet time for us to sleep in, read, talk, watch tv ("Trading Spaces" marathon on TLC & Xmas movies on Lifetime) while my boi baked me an apple pie. Then we went to see Nemesis and came home. On the apartment scene, I finally discussed it with roommate and couchboy will be taking over our half of the apartment next month. We need to be out by the 25th, which works well with the new place as we told them the 10th or the 17th. We don't want to try to move in one day or one weekend. We want some time between the two places to finish up things and clean without feeling rushed. BTW, couchboy is the guy who stayed in the apartment for two months this summer/fall after he was kicked out of his previous apartment. Apparently his latest living arrangement is a nightmare, so he's happy to get out of it and return here. A good outcome all around. (0) comments
Spent the evening napping -- after my boi made us a lovely, and stuffing, dinner. By the time she returned from her meeting and informed me that the roommate was home, I was too sleepy-brained to talk to him about the move schedule. I'm counting on having time tonight or over the holiday tomorrow. This afternoon she is picking me up from work and we're putting the deposit on the new apartment. We'll be doing an inspection of what needs to be fixed before we move in and taking some measurements. We've already had many, many discussions of how we're going to handle the move and what is going where in the new place. And it's been less than 48 hours since we decided to do this!
Starting the new job today. I think it will be a good thing. I'll try to write more tonight.
It's been a busy week for us. We decided that we would like to stay in this apartment without a roommate (partly because finding a lifestyle-friendly roommate who'll put up with four cats and an iguana is highly unlikely!), so we needed to adjust our budget and find jobs with a combined takehome about $600 more a month than we had previously budgeted. This will allow us to payback loans from family members and still begin saving a large chunk for our future projects. So, we've both been job hunting: sending out resumes, searching want ads, taking interviews (I'm going to my third in three days this afternoon). In addition, we've been cleaning the apartment (more in a minute) and reading A LOT. We've also made time for "play" in the SM and sexual sense that we'd been too tired for since the boi's mother had her first heart attack. We're very happy and we're trusting the universe to provide the jobs we need in a timely fashion. I have been wanting to rearrange the furniture in the bedroom for awhile. I needed the change in energy and to provide better swing space for the rubber flogger and canes. I had put it off because we were hoping to switch bedrooms with the roommate (his has more square footage than ours) and I didn't want to have to move twice. With his revelation last Saturday that he wants to stop living with us, we realized that we'd be moving out of this bedroom probably in the next 4-6 weeks -- either to the other bedroom or to another apartment. I made the decision that I wanted to rearrange anyway. I don't want to live my life "on hold" with the accompanying stale energy and thought processes. So we spent Tuesday rearranging furniture. We felt the change in energy immediately. And when we tried out the new play configuration, the longer strokes upped the intensity considerably: I can hit harder and have more freedom in positioning and movement. the cats are almost used to it too. All in all, a very good decision on my part. We've also spent a lot of time talking about our relationship and the nature of ownership the past few weeks. There are several reasons for that. One is that I've been rethinking my view of ownership after her mother's death. I'll go into that another time. Another is that my boi met Guy Baldwin on Sunday. He wrote Slavecraft -- which was a pivotal book in the first few months of our relationship. We read it together and used it as the basis for our discussions on how ownership works for us. She had several other encounters at the same event that made her examine her behavior as a slave and the differences between slaves and bois and boi-slaves. Lastly, there were several incidents early this week that called into question (in her mind, not mine) her abilities as a slave and tested her focus. We've spent a goodly amount of time discussing these issues. Of course, there's the fact that it's the end of the year. Solstice is a big marker for her, as is New Year's. Our first Xmas together (even though neither of us is Xtian). We've been living together almost six months. Xmas will mark five months that she has been my collared slave. With both of us searching for jobs and planning where to live, there's lots going on that requires assessment of where we are and where we want to be. Neither of us doubts that we are and will remain together and that we want to deepen the intensity of our ownership. We're just checking in, reflecting, and strengthening our committment.
After the stress of the roommate news yesterday, I wasn't sure I'd be up to a party, let alone giving my boi the caning I'd planned. It took awhile of socializing and observing at the party before I felt relaxed. I wasn't even able to eat when my chefboi served; I waited until later when I felt I could actually taste food. Good company, good energy, and yummy food can surmount almost any level of stress and/or depression. I had not caned anyone in public before and my boi had not played with canes at all prior to our relationship. I'd given her a few canings at home, but it is hard for her to process that type of pain and I was waiting for her to be ready for one in public. I intentionally took her aside to be caned while the rest of the group was doing the white elephant gift exchange. (We didn't participate due to finances and the fact that we don't celebrate Xmas.) It meant we wouldn't accumlulate much of an audience and I'd be able to concentrate on the pain rather than the performance anxiety. After minimal warmup, I administered a quick, yet intense session. I stopped about halfway through to retrieve the metal paddle that had been chilling in the fridge. The cold on her hot ass and thighs made the cane marks raise quite nicely -- and made the next round of hits hurt just that much more. We had to add a gag towards the end because she was losing control of her vocal reactions to the pain. Although several people came in or walked by the room, no one actually stayed, so we kept our energy focused on each other. It was a very good caning, she couldn't sit for several hours :) My sadist came out further than it usually does in public. My boi asked me about the lack of warmup, even by our limited standards. I said it was about me inflicting pain and I wanted to do it fast and effectively. I didn't care about her comfort level. Apparently her masochist was out in response to my sadist energy, because a little while later she was begging for a flogging and, eventually, I gave her a good one. This one had even stronger energy; at times she stepped away from me or balled her fists to stop herself from fighting back. I was especially mean as I finished and each of us experienced a moment of wanting to separate, rather than use the aftercare time to bond. I took care of her. I don't want my toy damaged. I waited too long to find someone who can take this sort of beating and provide such excellent service. At home in bed (too tired to f***), we talked about the two beatings and the headspace and the aftercare and the emotions. We talked about how the pain works in our relationship and how we're growing in our SM interactions as we learn each other. This morning (afternoon?) when we finally woke, we talked more about our life together and the ownership dynamic that creates that life. Our bond grows deeper and her surrender is reinforced by the very situations that might have led to resistence if she had been with someone else or if I had chosen a different slave. And every now and then throughout the day I've rubbed, scratched, squeezed or otherwise aggravated her bruises.....because what's the point of intense pain if it doesn't stay with the slave for a day or two after?
Yesterday my boi asked me why chef slaves are so valuable. We had a conversation about the cooking skills of women between the ages of 25-50, discussing the sociological effects of divorce, latch-key kids, bad time management, and low self-esteem. My conclusion is that there are three kinds of women: those who spice up their microwave and boil-in-a-bag diet with take out, those who can cook actual meals, and those who can cook good meals. With a huge percentage of the female population in the first category and a small group in the second, the third category is truly a rare breed. And I've got one in my kitchen -- cooking dinner for a party of 12-15 leatherwomen. Then I started thinking about this wonder: how did I end up with someone who matches my needs and desires in a slave? After years of searching and refining my list, I end up with a slave where I thought there was only a SAM. I can't motivate myself to cook, she's a trained, professional chef. I'm a vegetarian, she used to be one and ran a vegetarian restaurant for awhile. I prefer southwestern cuisine to all others, she makes her own salsa, tortillas, and sauces and worked at various mexican restaurants. I'm a writer, she's a poet. I'm a sadist, she's a masochist. I'm an energy-based pagan who refers to the powers that be as "the universe", she's the same. We graduated from college at the same time (she took time off before going to college). We're both cat people. We like the same movies, music, and television. I'm an owner, she has longed to be a slave for years (though she sure the hell buried it far enough down that I didn't realize that's what she was at first!). Our communication styles are nearly identical. Our approach to problem-solving is compatible. We fantasize about the same things sexually, SMwise, and life-wise. We had the same dream of traveling the country and then running a specific business. I'm a libertarian, she's an anarchist. We're both anti-dog, anti-gun, anti-alcohol, anti-stupidity, and have artistic urges beyond words. I knew it was a match when I realized that not only was she familiar with all three seasons of "Lexx" (though she hasn't seen the movies yet!), but had actually watched "Space Precinct" once before it was cancelled. Now that our cats are coexisting, our books, music, dvds, and stuff animals are intermingled, and we're planning the next phase of our life (finding a third and saving for a major purchase), I amazed at just how well we fit together. This isn't just the life I imagined, it's more than I hoped I could find. I am blessed. Nothing like unexpected stress to ruin a mood. After great sex last night and a relatively easy morning of waking the boi (usually takes hours to get her out of bed) cleaning, cooking, shopping, and catching up on taped sitcoms, I was informed that roommate is unhappy and would like to leave or have us leave -- whichever we can work out. I'd rather not move, so the option is to find a roommate fast or to both find full-time jobs so that we can assume the lease ourselves and find some stability. Tonight is the holiday party for our women's bdsm group. I am looking forward to socializing and playing and being the proud owner of the chef. I have to release this stress so that I can enjoy. Goddess will provide and worry solves nothing.
I'm working on a piece on TGs for the "Sexuality & Gender" section of this site. I hope to finish it later today or tomorrow. At the moment, though, my mind is filled with thoughts of childlessness. I made a conscious choice a long time ago not to have children. My boi had made that same choice. That was recently shaken by the hospitalization and death of her mother, but it remains steady in each of us. I'm currently reading Madelyn Cain's The Childless Revolution: What it Means to Be Childless Today. This book came out last year, but I didn't get around to reading it until now. Most of the book is devoted to those who are "Childless by Chance" or "Childless by Happenstance" and very little to those who are "Childfree by Choice" -- the category in which we fit. Still, it's giving me a sense of community I lacked and some information on support and further information I can research. I still have qualms about the fact that I won't have any children to take care of my estate when I'm gone and no one to leave a legacy of my creative endeavors. Worst still is the idea that if I proceed my boi in death, there won't be someone to help her through it the way she is helping her father cope with the finances and loneliness. If she dies first, who will be left to cremate and mourn me? ....but qualms do not change my resolve to remain childfree. Found an interesting blog entry about being falsely accused and how your process those emotions and the internal lessons. It's on Heather Corinna's Pure as the Driven Slush, the current entry as of 13 December 2002. It isn't dated, so I don't know what it will be headed once she posts a new one.
Wandering through the library yesterday, I found a book of quotes: Women's Wicked Wit from Jane Austen to Roseanne Barr by Michelle Lovric. While it contains a lot of male bashing, it also has some insightful and amusing quotes. I may sprinkle some of them here the next few days. I'm debating whether or not to buy the book.
We're starting two separate campaigns that we suspect will take quite awhile to accomplish: 1. Locating the longest collared relationships. This applies only to "real life" relationship; cyber collars need not apply. We're looking for confirmed relationships that are M/f, F/m, F/f, and M/m. 2. I'm compiling a list of blogs/journals of people in the leather/bdsm community. These can be individual, couple, or group endeavors and do not have to be 100% SM in content (this Journal is hardly 100% SM). I'm not yet sure how I'll present the list (link page, database, blog, webring, etc.), but once I have a few dozen urls, I'll have a better idea. If you have info on either, please e-mail me. You can now go directly to my Reading List -- a page which lists the books I'm reading, have finished reading, or have given up on reading. See the link on the right under "Navigation". I'm not sure anyone cares what I'm reading, but it at least helps me keep track of the books I have in progress.
I've changed the archiving of this journal. Now it's archived by month instead of week. I've also changed this main page to be like most blogs: reverse chronology and multiple days remain on the page. We'll see how I like it.
Here is the more I promised yesterday. I wrote it offline and didn't get around to posting it til today: Friday, December 6, 2002 -- off-line journal I have creative urges that I’ve avoided pursuing. In those hundreds of pages of horridly bad fiction that I wrote in and after college, are characters who answered the urges I resisted: sculptors, architects, painters, musicians….writers. In this spate of unemployment I’ve had lots of time to think about the unexplored arts. My boi has had the courage to live her art: as a poet, as a performance artist…soon as a drag king and competitor in the SM lifestyle community. I’m more than a little envious of the ambition and discipline that drives her. I don’t resent that we spent weeks developing her latest book and her new website, going to readings and making the connections in her community that she craves. I’m proud of the site and the book and the appearance she taped for public access television. It just makes me wonder if I’ll ever find the spark that will take my urges into the realm of actual art. I believe the Goddess has a plan for me. I have certain talents and urges that are, so far, unfocused. Am I having so much trouble finding a "day job" because it’s time for me to focus those artistic energies? I applied for a few part-time jobs because, frankly, finances are getting desperate and any income is good at this point. However, if I had a part-time job, I would have time to develop my own art as well as help my boi establish her career. I can work part-time if the boi works full-time because we’d have a combined income that would meet our expenses and allow a little savings. But if the boi is working full-time, she has less time for her art and she has issues left from past relationships about power balances and financial responsibility. If I have a full-time job (Goddess permitting) how do I pursue my art and still have time to support hers? And if we end up both working full-time, we’d see very little of each other as her field tends towards evenings and night shifts, including weekends – leaving little time for either of us to create, let alone time to create together. And that’s just the start of the calculations filling my head the last few weeks. It’s quite frustrating for me to know I’m a creative person and envision an artistic life for myself when I’m facing this huge wall of inertia. Finances and support aside, I don’t have clear inspiration or direction. Do I continue cutting up magazines and brochures and mailers in the hope that eventually I’ll paste them into interesting collages? Do I overcome the paradox of longing and fear that hits me whenever I look at the clay we bought when we really couldn’t afford it? Do I give in to the urge that hits me whenever I see my boi’s box of crayolas? Do I discipline myself into writing every day until stories form themselves on the page? Or do I continue to kill time playing computer solitaire games, minesweeper, and finishing off the latest issue of Games, World of Puzzles – in between taking naps and watching television. Diversion and procrastination are amazing tools. I trust that the Goddess put my boi in my life for a multitude of reasons. Since she arrived, those creative urges continue to increase in frequency and intensity. When will I reach critical mass and how do I shut up all the noise in my head about it?
My boi finally got some shifts, so she's been at work most of the week. I've been feeling physically off (hormones and cramps then a migraine), but I did get a job interview in the other day. If I don't hear back today, it means I didn't get it. Right now we're gettting ready to meet with a local leather daddy. He wants to borrow my boi to compete in a Daddy/boi contest in February in Chicago. I had said we needed to learn more about the process before making a decision, but we've pretty much realized we don't have the energy or time right now. We need to be focused on our financial stability and our individual artistic endeavors. I'm not quite sure how to tell them that, but we'll find a way. I'm also reworking my resume. The market here is, to quote my boi, "brutal" and my resume isn't getting me many interviews. I need to figure out what I'm doing wrong or not doing and make that adjustment. I'm also working on several creative projects to try to get my artistic side active. more later.
Not really writing lately. In fact, we're hardly turning the computer on. We read e-mails and check a few sites, but we're not responding/writing/posting. Don't know how long this phase will last.
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