I am going to start filtering some of my more private musings. Since blogger does not have a tool for that, you will need to visit my Live Journal and ask to be friended there. I will continue to post Daily Gratitude and other subjects here. There is also a FAQ for my Journal at the same link.
| Monday, April 29, 2002 @ 20:06 here's the post I started Sunday night at 11pm and reworked and expanded tonight... At what point does caution become wasteful? I spent a lot of time trying to explain to Tiger a few weeks ago that you have to take a leap of faith in most areas of life. At some point you just decide to believe in yourself, your talents, your family and friends, your place in the world. Maybe you take a leap of faith regarding god or country or career. Most definitely you have to take a leap of faith to be in a relationship with another person. The leap of faith says you're trusting enough to take the risk. You actually take lots of little leaps in order to form a relationship. Then, sooner or later, you commit....or you don't. If you've been burned, it's harder to take that leap. When you think you have solid ground to land on and find out you're mistaken, you hesitate the next time. You want to test. You want to do everything you can to make sure there's ground there and that, even if you fall hard, you won't be making a mistake. Only problem is that you can't predict and you can't be sure. Hence, you need a leap of faith. In talking to someone last night, I realized that there are essentials and there is everything else. Essentials are qualities you require in an individual in order to commit to a relationship. Everything else, you just learn to accept. I talk a lot about compatibility and wanting to find someone with the same relationship needs and goals. Testing that compatibility is important. I want to make sure it's not an illusion -- that both parties truly want the same thing. How long does that take, really? Probably not very long. Yes, I was burned. I knew Moon was a good match for myself. Was she "perfect"? No. Were there things about her that annoyed or frustrated or even angered me? Yes. The essential compatibilty was there. The spark of something was there. I committed to her. It didn't last. Should I have waited longer to commit? If I had done that, would I have realized the compatibility wasn't enough? If I had taken more time before leaping, would I have saved myself that hurt? The truth is, it doesn't matter. I took the leap in good faith. I believed in the relationship and I accepted the risk that it might not work. I don't regret the risk. I don't regret the relationship. Ani DiFranco sings "Swan Song". When I was seeing Moon, it became sort of my anthem. "I'm just going to get my feet wet, until I drown." The leap of faith. I knew I was doing it. I trusted that, fly or crash, it was the right thing for me to do. After three years of waiting to find someone compatible, I'm hiding behind "caution" which is really fear. I'm not willing to make that leap of faith yet and commit, really commit that is. I'm waiting for some sort of certainty, even though I know it's impossible to achieve. I can't force it, I just have to trust. j is certain that she wants me as her owner. She was fairly certain before we even met in person and the meeting just reinforced it to her. I have struggled to understand how she could be so certain on so little contact. Then I realized it goes back to essentials: I'm the type of woman she wants in her life and the rest she'll just learn to live with -- if I let her. Is she the type of woman I want in my life? In core ways, yes. In some ways, no. Are the "no"s liveable or essentials? I'm not sure. I've been burned and I'm unsure if the caution is wasteful. (0) comments I know you're all still thinking about the virginity questions I posted over the weekend. I just wanted to let you know to start wrapping that one up in your mind. There are other subjects coming soon. I started writing last night (off-line) about compatibility and committment and the "leap of faith" principle. I just don't have time this morning to type it up and rearrange the thoughts (at 11pm, lying in bed, my thoughts aren't very organized). There's also thoughts on ownership, LDR, and knowing yourself. Nothing like a 3+ hour conversation with someone and some really interesting threads on a discussion list to get the brain churning! More tonight...
For those who were confused by the list of sex acts in the last entry, let me clarify: I am not a virgin in all of them, just a good many. The wording was a bit confusing. I was saying that all these things have a virginity, so when someone asks me if I'm a virgin, I usually say "in many ways, but which do you mean?" The question was also raised regarding consensual virginity. If you are raped (penetrative sex) have you lost that virginity? If you were sexually abused as a child (which might involve many of the various acts on the list) or in an manipulative relationship as an adult where you were forced to certain acts, are you a virgin? If you add non-consensual acts, my remaining virginity drops. Then there's directional virginity (ordering a submissive to perform acts while you observe) and cyber and phone(if people can get paid for this type of sex, then it counts as sex!) and, of course, the always popular self-sex (creative self-sex is going to involve a lot more than simple masterbation). I've had experiences in all those areas that aren't covered in the list I generated. So, like I said: I'm a virgin in some ways, but that doesn't mean I have no sex life. As Darby said, it means I have a lot of fun stuff ahead of me! oh, and j was telling me that she heard if you go seven years without sex, your virginity is restored. so how many restored virgins are there in the various acts? And why the hell do we care so much about the issue in the first place??
I was asked a few weeks ago if I was a virgin. My response was it depends on what act is in question. I'm a virgin at a lot of things and not in others. So I'm going to try to list the various ways a bisexual woman can be a sexual virgin (I doubt I'll be exhaustive): giving oral sex to a man receiving oral sex from a man being vaginally penetrated by a man being anally penetrated by a man giving anal oral stimulation to a man receiving anal oral stimulation from a man masterbating a man being masterbated by a man(clit only) 69 with a man (this is the only "position" I'll specify, otherwise the list would truly be endless) giving oral sex to a woman receiving oral sex from a woman giving anal oral stimulation to a woman receiving anal oral stimulation from a woman masturbating a woman(clit only) being masturbated by a woman(clit only) 69 with a woman tribadism (look it up!) of a woman tribadism by a woman simultaneous tribadism with a woman tribadism with a man finger vaginal penetration by a woman finger vaginal penetration by a man finger anal penetration by a man finger anal penetration by a woman finger vaginal penetration of a woman finger anal penetration of a woman finger anal penetration of a man dildo vaginal penetration by a woman (dildo=any vibrator, plug, or "sex toy") dildo vaginal penetration by a man dildo vaginal penetration of a woman dildo anal penetration of a woman dildo anal penetration of a man dildo anal penetration by a woman dildo anal penetration by a man double-dildo with a woman double-dildo with a man (use your imagination) strap-on vaginal penetration by a woman strap-on vaginal penetration by a man (yes, men sometimes use strap-ons!) strap-on vaginal penetration of a woman strap-on anal penetration of a woman strap-on anal penetration of a man strap-on anal penetration by a woman strap-on anal penetration by a man object vaginal penetration by a woman (object=any non "sex toy" -- think cucumber, bottle, stick, etc -- I've heard that ginger root is great for this, esp. anally) object vaginal penetration by a man object vaginal penetration of a woman object anal penetration of a woman object anal penetration of a man object anal penetration by a woman object anal penetration by a man vaginal fisting of a woman vaginal fisting by a woman vaginal fisting by a man anal fisting of a woman anal fisting by a woman anal fisting of a man anal fisting by a man double fisting of a woman (vaginal and anal simultaneously) double fisting by a woman double fisting by a man qualify all the above with "in public" and then qualify the combined list with "videotaped" and see how long it is. I'm not even going to start on the variations created by 1) combination acts (ie, a man using his penis and a dildo simultaneously), 2) a threesome(or more!), 3)bondage, 4) pain, 5) role play, 6) domination! The list would be infinite. Given that I'm poly and bi, that's a lot of cherries to lose.
I was once a very, very depressed person. I look back at that now and have trouble seeing it, but I know it was true. In high school I was almost suicidal and in college it wasn't much better. Then I took a leave of absence and found mysElf. The transformation wasn't overnight and it isn't even over now. Changes in diet and climate helped as did spiritual practices and approach to life. It basically comes down to the ability to enjoy the moment instead of always being upset about the future/past and worried about how other people see me in the present. I find myself having little patience lately for people who are like I used to be. I don't know if it makes me uncomfortable to be reminded of my past or if I'm afraid of being dragged back there. Or maybe I'd just rather be enjoying life than listening to someone whine and moan and "woe" about it all. I told a coworker today "sounds like you shouldn't have married an X" (X being his vocation and when he brings it home, it disrupts their home in exactly the way that stresses and unnerves her). She replied saying she doesn't believe in divorce and that struck me as a very odd comment. I didn't say she should divorce him. I didn't say she couldn't be happy with him. I simply said that maybe she should have considered the compatibility of living with something that unnerves her *before* marrying him. Really I feel that if she's been with him this long(several years), she should have learned to either enjoy that aspect of his personality or at least how to be neutral about it. It's not like it's a little annoying personality quirk that pops up now and then. This is part of who this man is and he loves it so much that he made it his occupation for several decades. I'm not even going to address why she'd jump from my comment to divorce so quickly. There are certain things I don't want in my life anymore. There are other things I don't want to be around. There are countless things I don't know if I want or not. I've been pressed to commit to relationships faster than I feel comfortable. I don't want to find myself five years from now complaining that "I shouldn't have collared an X." I need the space to test compatibility and I'm going to give that to myself. And if others aren't happy with that, I'll say goodbye. If they are going to be with me, they have to live with all of me, not just the parts they fantasize about and not in a resentful and petulant or stressed out way. I don't want them to say "I shouldn't have let an X collar me." If that means slowing down and backing up, so be it. I'd rather "crush" someone now, in the early stages, than find myself in either of the above situations -- let alone one where both of us are complaining.
or maybe not. I ate and relaxed, but didn't nap. and the heat is bugging me more this year because of being tired....that and the fact that now that I have people to beat, I'm getting all sweaty and gross (though not tonight). there are swirling thoughts....maybe in the morning I'll be coherent. I started this one at work...covering the switchboard for a bit so nothing else to do A lot of firsts have happened in my life the past few weeks and months. I've hesitated to write about them because I want to respect the privacy of the individuals involved. The few people who read this journal could deduce the other person(s) in a scene. Example: if I wrote I had fisted someone for the first time last night (which I didn't as I was home alone all night and I'm not that dextrous!), j could figure out that it 1) wasn't her and 2) wasn't tiger (who was online all evening). I don't think any of these women want the details of our sessions revealed in public. Nor do I want to create any more jealousy by making a list of things I did and then having each of them read it and wonder "why didn't she do that to me??!!" The poly thing is getting to me more than it should. I am not in a committed relationship with any of these women. The only agreement is to go forward to see what compatibility exists and test the potential for a committed long-term relationship. While I want to take into consideration their feelings, none of them should be a deciding factor in how I interact with the others. In other words, I shouldn't break off my relationship with X because it makes Z uncomfortable. Nor should I continue seeing Y because both X and Z like her. This is a case where it's not about getting what I want because I'm the domme, but about being free to choose my relationships based on what I want. If I had a committed partner, things would be different. Right now, however, we are all free agents and I need to hold that thought in my mind as I choose how to go forward. Not worry about breaking hearts or hurting someone who knew going in it was poly-dating. I don't have to be callous, but I'm not going to do things I don't want to do. more after I nap/eat/rest/pull some more thoughts together....
I'm having nightmares again. For those that don't know, this is a BIG DEAL. I haven't had nightmares in so many years I can't even count. I used to have really bad ones. I still remember some from childhood and lots from the time that drove me to research how to stop nightmares. This last few days, I dreamed my sister died. I dreamed NM dumped me. I dreamed something else that I don't remember but woke me with heart racing and fear in my mind. I don't know if I lost my lepidolite or it needs a recharge. I haven't had time the last few days to investigate, but I know I need to do so. I can't go back to the loss of sleep and the stress on my system. When I get in a cycle of nightmares, they haunt me in my waking hours, not just at night. Right now I'm stressed enough trying to sort out this whole poly thing and the individual relationships within the larger framework. I'm slightly stressed about my job as the longer I stay there the more I wonder about the "conflict of interests" between their goals and my spiritual beliefs. And always, in the background, is the worry about my sister's health and my mother's stress level. I don't need the added stress of interrupted sleep, disrupted vital signs, and anxiety throughout the day as I try to figure out why I dreamed what I dreamed and whether I'll have another nightmare that night. I'm tired enough without losing sleep.
I used to tell myself (and friends who would listen) that I hoped it didn't take me five years to find a submissive since it took me 28 to figure out that I was a bisexual dominant. Now, here it is, almost five years later and while I know what I want, I don't know what I want. I just know I'm tired. Somewhere on the road between CO and here is a boi who wants to be owned by me. She's waited patiently for months for the chance to serve, but she's terrified of the actual meeting, which should be over by this time tomorrow. And off in LA for the weekend another boi is visiting a mutual friend. She wants to serve and be controlled. Compatibility will be the issue, not potential. Yet, it's the one who went home about an hour ago struggling with another bout of confusion that I feel has the most potential. And by that I mean potential to be with me, not potential to be a good submissive to someone, somewhere. Then there's the one on the east coast. The femme. Masochist. Experienced slave. As caliann would say "I like my women to enjoy being women" and I want someone to dress in corsets and high heels who craves the extreme pain and consensual force and ownership rather than girlfriendship. Read her website and got excited. Got an e-mail from her and thought, this is what I want. So why am I spending the time with three women who aren't like her? I don't know. I just know that I really enjoy NM and wish she'd change her mind and I'm wanting to give j and tiger a chance because there was an attraction there, so I want to test if it's deep enough to last. Maybe I'm just making up for the lack of dating in my high school and college life. Maybe it's my way of figuring out exactly what I do want in reality, instead of just in theory. I need sleep. It's going to be a hell of a weekend. I've had lots of thoughts this week: ego in dominants, ego in submissives, dominance, boi-energy, what I want, what I don't want, what I want part-time, motivations... This morning it occurred to me that while I want a 24/7 relationship in my future, I don't want one right now. It would be lovely to have someone at my beck and call whenever I want something (sex, cleaning, a massage, someone to sort my papers, someone to take a caning), but I want my time alone and having someone living with me would dramatically reduce that. And I like sleeping alone too. While a slave should be on the floor rather than in the bed, they still might disturb my sleep. In fact, the main reason NM gives for not wanting to stay overnight is that she's afraid of waking me in the morning (she's used to being up by 5am no matter what day it is). Someone on a discussion list said that her dream is for her owner and his wife to live behind her. That their houses be connected via a gate between their back yards. That way he can come and use her whenever he feels like it, but she can still be alone and he can still be with his wife. I'm thinking something like that might be a nice arrangement. Or maybe an upstairs and downstairs apartment in one of those older houses. Or, really, just get one of those old houses that has servants quarters and use them as they were intended.
One of my dear friends posted this on a discussion list (I won't name her until I get permission):
My answer to her is that you don't have to explain it, just watch for those of us who recognize this part of you and then enjoy the fulfillment without wasting so much time on the "why"s of it all.
ohhh.....I forgot to point out that it's that time of the year when the rest of the world changes their clocks and AZ doesn't. Subtract an hour from the posts starting with April 7th. I'm still on Mountain Standard Time. The computer at Blogger just recognizes it's Mountain Daylight Time, which it's not. At least not where I live. No one ever said polyamory was easy. They just didn't warn me that it would effect my energy level. Sure, if I was sexually active with all the women in my life I'd deserve to be exhausted, or if I was beating all of them every night. However, at this point I am "in relationships" with three women, to varying degrees. Of them, I haven't even met j in person. We've spent a few hours on the phone and countless hours online, but the face-to-face is a bit hard when we're 900 miles apart. Tiger is much closer, but we're still very new to each other and figuring out what's what. NM is a different story altogether. Still, we've only spent two evenings together in the last seven days, so why am I always so tired? Oh, right, it's the emotional stress of negotiating with three different people -- all at different stages of relating -- heading toward different goals -- with different views on polyamory -- and not knowing if any of them will work out, ultimately. Well, that's not entirely true. I have a very good idea that one of them could work long-term, and work very well. It's just going to take time to work past the barriers and the fears and the wounds from past relationships. I think it will be worth it to make that happen. The other two have good vibes, but I'm still uncertain, maybe because they are still uncertain. Maybe I'm not as sure in myself of what I want as I thought. As part of a serious (read: almost relationship-ending) conversation over the weekend, NM reminded me that I told her I wanted two slaves: a female and a male. Not a female and a boi. Not two bois. Not three slaves. I'm sure I did say that. I've said it many times. I've also said that I'd like to have two live-in slaves and long-distance or part-time submissives. All ongoing/committed relationships, just of different types to fill different parts of my life. It's possible a boi may meet my need for masculine energy in my life without my needed a biological male. Or maybe I'll decide that I need two femme dykes rather than bois (goddess knows I'm really wanting to see someone in a corset about now). Or that, after all the strong feelings of poly I've felt the past three years, I'll decide I only want one committed slave in my house and casual, non-committed sessions with a few close friends outside the house. Because, unless I find a really rich slave or some that are good at housework, I'll be way too tired to maintain a job and still have the energy for the care and use of multiple charges. I need sleep now. More when I'm rested.
I sometimes wonder if people think I think I'm inhuman. That I'm so harsh and cold and seeking an emotionless relationship with a doormat. I'm not. I don't try to hide the fact that I'm all too human. I make mistakes. I hurt people unintentionally. I have my own emotional buttons that can be pushed by family, friends, strangers. I overreact. I lose control of myself. I exhibit undisciplined behavior in many areas of my life. More importantly, I want an emotionally-grounded relationship. I'm not going to spend my life, or even a chunk of it, with someone who doesn't have feelings. Nor do I want someone who I could discard from my life easily. I want an emotional attachment in both directions, I just don't want it to be the "in love" feeling that is popularly portrayed. That's not me. And I don't want a relationship built on "we're equal in everything but the D/s" because I don't want there to be anything between us that isn't in a D/s construct. D/s doesn't preclude emotions, it thrives on them. Ownership is stronger the more intimacy grows between the parties involved. I just want a different framework for the relationship than "vanilla with D/s sprinkles." The result is that I can get hurt just as easily as a "loving dominant" and I can make mistakes in the way I "handle" a submissive/slave. Esp. in the early stages when I don't know them well, I can overreact. I can lash out. I can feel threatened. I didn't spend weeks crying my eyes out over Moon because my pride was hurt. When someone you love leaves your life, there's a hole -- esp. when you expected to grow closer to the person, not have them walk away. Even with NM, who doesn't want a long-term relationship and I've only known a few months, when we spent the last month hardly seeing or even talking to each other, I missed her. A LOT. And if I didn't have her journal to show me what she's feeling, I would have misjudged some situations. I'm still learning about her and our relationship. It's a constant process that, yes, gives me power over her, but it also results in me being more emotionally attached to her as well. Either of us can walk away. Both of us would hurt if that happened. In that respect, neither is "over" the other. I make mistakes of pride, of ego, of impatience (and countless other emotions) with all the women in my life. Ownership and non-ownership D/s are about emotions. Those emotions go both ways and both sides of the equation are subject to error, confusion, and hurt. I hope that has been clear throughout my writings, but perhaps it hasn't and that's why people misinterprete my views. Try reading this if you want a better idea: http://www.livejournal.com/users/bodhiblue/. Look for the entry "Stupid Rant on Stupid Topics" dated 2002-04-04 18:24. This is the type of feeling I hope to inspire in a slave.
There's an adage that if you need something done, ask the busiest person you know. Something to do with ability to prioritize and good time management skills. I've had a few times in my life when I felt that way, but mostly my time management sucks, hence my inability to get decent sleep. Also, I procrastinate. A LOT. Which is why I still haven't opened the folder to enroll in the 401(k) plan even though I brought it home weeks ago. So explain to me how I have three women in my life in different types of relationship (serious part-time D/s, potential long-distance slave, and potential part-time slave), run a few websites, serve on the "board" of the local women's group, do the website and newsletter website for the group I started back in KS, and still have been asked to help moderate a fair sized, established discussion group? No wonder I don't have time to re-read Montaigne, clean my apartment, or organize my clothes to store the winter clothes now that the temps are consistently 90+. Oh, and I still need to read that 401(k) stuff and fill out the enrollment forms. Tonight I'm scheduled to play for the first time in a week and a half. This is the third session scheduled this week (the Sun and Wed ones were cancelled) and I really, really need some hands-on contact. Making submissives blush and squirm online and on the phone is fun, but I need to pull hair and slap skin and see red marks and bruises. I haven't played since before mom's visit and I think it has something to do with my zombie-like mood the past few days. Then again, maybe I just needed to get a decent night's sleep and eat less sugar.
Talk about the best laid plans. Over the weekend I decided on a course of action that I wanted to accomplish on April 1st. It was someone's birthday and I figured that the timing was right for something I've been thinking about for weeks. So, of course, that's the day said person decides she'll be too busy with logistical things to be available. In fact, I haven't talked to her directly since early Sunday morning and probably won't for several more days. Given the indirect communication we've had, I'm not sure the things I had planned for yesterday will be appealing to her once she does return. I knew I shouldn't tempt fate, but I guess I'm too much of an optimist not to have hope. So, although something special did happen last night on another front, I'm not going to give fate any more targets-- at least not yet. In a few days or a week I'll feel more secure and risk writing about it here....assuming this cryptic mention isn't enough to invoke Murphy's Law. After two conversations I had last night with Inno and Caliann, I think it's time for me to revisit Montaigne's essays. I need to refresh my mind on his views of friendship and love, since reading him in college had such a profound effect on me. I'll try to set aside The Class for a few hours tonight and get some focus. It's hard though. Erich Segal speaks to my own experiences, which is suprising since I'm not a male who graduated college in 1958. It's difficult to put down his books. I'll make the attempt. My soul needs to see if what my mind remembers of Montaigne was what he said or just words manipulated by memory into something more meaningful.
I spent most of yesterday trying to sleep and failing. I'm not sure why. I was very tired, but just couldn't nap. Then I spent the evening mostly bored. The session I had scheduled with NM got cancelled due to her exhaustion and j apparently got waylaid into family celebrations so wasn't around. Eventually Tiger surfaced unexpectedly and we had a good discussion before bed. An hour from now I'll be at work. The break was good and although I'm not dreading returning, I don't like the 8-4:30 schedule. I'd really prefer a job that was four-tens (four days a week ten hours each day) or that didn't have a set schedule so that one day I could work 10 hours and the next six and it be any hours I choose. I'm going to have to find a way to improve my energy reserves so I don't let the workday drain it all away. There's lots I could accomplish in the hours before and after work that I haven't been doing. I want to change that.
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